It's Me

I used to answer my phone and I'd hear him say "Hi Beautiful, it's me". 

I miss those days. 

I miss when my phone would ring and his voice was on the other end. 

I miss hearing the man I love telling me it was him. 

 

Art: Loui Jover

 

When he was alive, Mike belonged to me and I belonged to him.  And, for a short while, everything seemed right in the world.  And, now, nothing, not one damn thing, has felt right in almost two years.
 
I knew Mike thought of me as his person when he casually referred to himself as "it's me".  This phrase between couples becomes commonplace as a friendship turns into a romantic relationship.  It is an informal way of sealing the deal.  It is a universal phrase that solidifies your couplehood. 
 
"It's me", is a phrase that comes to be when you acknowledge that you are theirs and they are yours. Like many couples, Mike and I declared that we belonged to one another with this short, subtle phrase.  This was just one of the many gestures that we naturally adapted as we fell in love with each other. I really miss being in love - with him.  In truth, I am still in love with Mike.  And, I think I always will be.
 
 
 
These days, there is not a person in the world that calls me and says "it's me".  I am not anyone's person anymore and no one is mine.  I miss being a better half.  I miss being part of a couple. 
 
"It's me", just two small words - that mean the world.
This is just one of the many everyday phrases that widowed people lose and desperately miss. 
 
It is strange, but there is no official mourning of these nuances between lovers. However, I think that it is important to acknowledge that these gestures are missing from our lives without them.  These terms of endearment are what we ache for in the middle of an ordinary day.  The lack of these loving terms is what sets us apart from others who are still coupled.  
 
When Mike was alive I knew who I was. 
Now, I have to figure out who I am without him. 
It is only me. 
And, it is my job to figure out what it means to be me.  
What does "it's me" mean now?

~Staci


Showing 7 reactions

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  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2018-11-21 10:19:23 -0800
    Indie, Focus on the love you shared and not the missing if you can. When I am simply grateful for his love I feel less awful. Gratitude is helpful and powerful for me. In truth, I do not think the missing ever will go away. But, it can soften with practice. For me I created a mantra “I will miss you less, and love you more”. It helped me to reframe my thoughts and gave me some peace from the gut wrenching missing. Best to you, ~S.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2018-11-21 10:15:33 -0800
    Linda, I agree it felt more right with him than anything has ever felt.

    Like you I had a life before Mike, but it was just not filled with the same level of joy. Life without him is not as full; but, that doesn’t mean that it never will be “okay” again. I think we have to live as fully as possible – Joy is attracted to more of itself. When I am laughing and have moments of gratitude and joy I believe he is closest to me. Try to worry less about filling the emptiness inside your heart, and focus on building around it. This seem to help me. It is NOT easy, by any means, but the effort will be worth it. Best to you, ~S.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2018-11-21 10:08:16 -0800
    Beth, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your nickname “Berry and Teth” is very enduring, I love it. You said you identified with my words, and likewise, I feel a lot of what you wrote. “He will never make me a lovely dinner, or tell me a truly awful joke, ever again” – I agree, it is very hard to get my head around the permanence of his absence… Best to you, ~S.
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2018-11-20 21:16:33 -0800
    Oh, I so identify! I was one half of a close couple for over 30 years: friends used to call us “Berry and Teth.” My identity crisis since Terry was killed in a road accident 3 years ago has been profound and painful. I feel so diminished, without him. I have continued on, because what else can I do? But sometimes it just hits me so hard: he’s not HERE. He’ll never be here again. I can never share the ridiculous little daily things we used to laugh about. He will never make me a lovely dinner, or tell me a truly awful joke, ever again. I’m alone, and what does that mean, and how do I want that to be?
  • Linda Poehler
    commented 2018-11-20 11:15:15 -0800
    Yes, it gets more painful everyday. The missing him consumes me. Its more than lonliness, its pointlessness. Working hard for what we were aspiring for in our future seems pointless. Trying to make plans that he wont participate in seems pointless. Things I used to love, I really loved because they were shared with him. Excruciating is the word. People try to tell you to do what makes you happy. I could be doing the most miserable thing and I was happy because I was with him. I lead a very full life. I travel. I’m a business owner. My kid are great and these are all great things, but now they hold no real meaning. Im glad some people can find joy in their lives, but I lived a whole life before him. (we were only together 10 years) and I never felt that kind of joy until I was together with him. He was most definitely without a doubt my soulmate and my person. I used to sit and think that my whole life was a “lead up” to him. (again, I’m college educated, good family, etc) but I thought he was my reward for living a good life. And now there is no plan or hope for the future. Ill achieve everything I’ve strived for, but it will be just that…stuff. I don’t ever see this changing. I’m not even sure I want it to. I’ve had the other half of me. I still like being his. Its the only thing that feels right.
  • indie
    commented 2018-11-19 20:44:45 -0800
    Sorry to say….. I am approaching six years and the missing has gotten worse…..that void of a connection where “its me” didn’t even need to be spoken……it was always and forever “me” and “him”…….and now the line is dead……its a haunting that sits with me now…..not all day but when it does it is excruciating…..
  • Linda Poehler
    commented 2018-11-13 04:17:07 -0800
    I have been lying here awake all night literally thinking this exact same thought. I can get through a day and all i look for is some validation that “my person” was thinking about me as i was of him. Just a word, a text, some kind of confirmation. But yet another day goes by devoid of any connection like that to anyone or anything. It is by far the hardest part of all of this. Its been 9 months and i dont feel like a part of anything. I miss everything about about him. But mostly miss being a part of “us”.