It's About Time

Yes. I know. I have a funny thing about time. And dates. I take time to reflect on time and what time is, or might be.

Linear? Circular? Fluid? Fixed? Conceptual? Real? Polychronic? Monochronic? Measurable? Full of meaning and emotion? Or void of emotion and meaning?

Time takes on such a different meaning, a different feel, post-loss.

People say “Time stops”. I don’t think that’s true. I think “Time hangs, and grows pregnant, fit to burst”.

People say, “Time heals”. I don’t think that’s true either. I think healing is a choice, and you can heal from day one. Or even before. But it’s a choice.

People say, “In time you will just remember the sweet stuff”. That may be, over a long long long time, but not within 5 months, or 2.5 years, or even 3.5 or 4+ years. Yes – perhaps the sweet memories can start to outweigh the hard memories, but again there’s a massive element of choice, of intentionality, at play. It takes no effort at all for me to remember the hard stuff, if I choose to. And it takes no effort at all for me to remember the good stuff, if I choose to. If I am in a funk, only the crappy stuff comes. And if I am in a good space, more good stuff comes. It all hurts though. It’s either sweeter, or more poignant. Both hurt.

People also say, “It will get better”. I ask back, “What is the ‘it?’” My body’s aching? My fragile, hurting, bashed up heart? My quality of sleep? My engagement with life? My incessant fear about having another child die before I do? My roller-coaster emotions? What exactly gets better?

It’s all such hollow talk. Such shallow reflections. And totally useless. An abhorrent waste of time.

Here are some deeper – to me – reflections about time, post-loss.

Time doesn’t stop, but my relationship to time alters. Time carries on, and I am not carried with it. I am outside time. Watching time’s flow as if an observer. In a parallel universe. Living a parallel life. One that only vaguely resonates with my former life, in that some places and spaces and people feel familiar, but there’s no real engagement. Like Murakami’s 1Q84 series. Treading water in an underworld where angels fear to tread. Outside. Under. Alone. Yet forced to witness life moving on apace.

Time is lost, never to come back again. It’s not just people who are gone. It’s not just breath and health that are gone. It’s also that so much time now has to be used, spent, lost, wasted, drained on death chores, death admin, death duties, death writing, death organisation, death memorials. Life becomes filled to the gills with death. Time becomes full of death. Life breathes death. Days and time filled – for days, weeks, months, even years – with unwanted chores. Things I don’t want to do. Tasks I despise. Forms to fill in and boxes to tick that say “widow”. Or “2 kids alive” not “3 kids alive”. Or closing down bank accounts. Or shutting off cold-call conversations from callers asking to speak to Monsieur Kemp. “There is no-one by that name here”. Chores, death admin, no-one under the age of 150 should have to do. And then only with an army of support.

Time becomes warped, each moment so very long and drawn out, each second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year – countable, measurable on fingers, it seems. And then the shocking, obscene realisation, “Oh my – it’s been 3 weeks”, or “Oh my – it’s been 3 months”, or, “Holy crap – it will be 3 years in 2020”.  Each second, minute, hour, day, week, month has felt so stretched, so elastic, so long and warped. And yet so immediate, so heightened, so electrified and frazzled, so toppled into one. A year, two years, and now getting on for 2 years and 8 months, the elastic snapping painfully with the weight of bricks against my heart. If a day can feel so very long, how can a year or two or more feel so short? How have I survived this? How do I survive this? I don’t remember anything much. And yet I know intimately just how hard each breath is. It’s all so slow and long and heavy and painful. Where have I been? Where am I? Am I even living? How do I survive this? Or perhaps it’s back to the parallel universe. I feel to be an ancient, gnarled olive tree, hundreds of years old, bent by life’s forces, and somehow still producing something. How on earth do I survive this? And do I survive this? 

Time’s patterns and sequences are relentlessly ruthless, whipping around with careless, callous indifference. Every day, every 24-hour period, come the reminders. 6h45, when Edward died on a Sunday morning. 15h05, the time of Mike’s last breath one Saturday in April. The midnight zone, between Sunday 30 June and Monday 1 July, when Julia was found but nothing was declared, nothing was known except by those with her at the time. All the times, all the dates, all the days, that are forever linked to shocking news, or worse. Every day has those times in them. Every month has those dates in them. Some months go straight from 30th to 1st, as June/July did. No 31st to soften the blow, to provide space to breathe. Just moving fast and furiously from one month to the next. Every year has a 27th July in it. A 30th March. A 22nd May. A 21st January. An 8th April. A 30th June. A 1st July. A 10th January. An 11th September. And that is just the births and deaths. I haven’t begun to write about the dates in October when Mike felt something was wrong. The dates in October and November when he had diagnostic tests. And results. The dates in November, December, January, February where he had chemo. The date in December when we made love for the last time, me knowing it was possibly the last time. The date in February when Mike decided, “no more chemo”. The date in March when the ambulance was called out at 7h05 as the kids had left for school because Mike thought he’d had a heart attack. The date in March, 20th, when Mike left home for the last time, to live out his last weeks at la Maison de Tara.

I have been in a funk these past two days. I have had lots of reasons not to be in a funk. I was in London for the weekend with the lovely Medjool. An early Christmas treat for him. But in the end I was in a funk. A time warp. Present, but not present. A time where the 30th of the month and 1st of the month crashed soundlessly into one another. Unnoticed except by me. Unnoticed except perhaps by other people who lost a love during the twilight zone. The funk so big that my body remembered the time, exactly 52 weeks prior, when I rushed to the UK to collect my hurting baby child from school, after she crashed and burned, just pleading to come home for a few weeks… “I will go back to school in January”. Instead it was hospitals and emergency rooms and psychiatric wards and medication and sleepless nights and so much more from then on out.

Just how do I survive this life?

Showing 5 reactions

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  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-12-09 17:35:22 -0800
    Thank You for your honest words of your widow experience’ A widow of a year’ With all the crying’ the pillow shouting ’ the silent screaming’ berating myself with guilt ’ remorse ’ regret’ the only reason I’ve kept my sanity’ I’ve dragged through my days on this maddening widow path are the touching writings and the voices of other fellow widows’ as no one in the family-friends circle can relate and empathise to my brokenness or wants to be burdened with my widow story …… Laura
  • Sharon Moriarty
    commented 2019-12-05 22:39:07 -0800
    Tragic! That is the only word for it. Time stands still at the moment of Bereavement. Keats wrote in his Ode to a Nightingale “ Now more than ever seems it Rich to die. To cease upon The midnight with no pain” And my love passed away at midnight and I was right there next to him to ensure he had no pain. It was an honor and a privilege to me.
  • indie
    commented 2019-12-05 21:56:47 -0800
    As I read your magnificent descriptions of the alternate universe……the time warp……I figured you had crawled into my mind and wrote out what I have lived for almost seven years……..and Don is right, if it was going to get better it would have already…..I am so anxious to depart this familiar but foreign space I occupy……without him the emptiness is a yawning chasm larger than the black hole they found that seems impossible…….yes, that’s what this is……….impossible.
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-12-04 21:12:41 -0800
    How do we, indeed? By choosing to, over and over and over again. And it is hard, to choose life when there is so much pain, and loss. But then there is the sweetness of it, of life, of another day’s possibility of beauty, and another memory added to all the others. My life feels forever divided into the Time Before my husband’s fatal accident, and the Time After. And yet, I find myself thinking I remember him present at things that occurred After, and not remembering if he was there for some things that I am sure occurred Before. Memory is strange that way. After 3 years, I am starting to feel like I have all of my limbs, like maybe my feet are on the ground. But many days I still feel hollow inside, or as if I am translucent, not really occupying space. I wonder if I will go through the rest of life invisible.
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-12-03 11:19:08 -0800
    Absolutly right on all counts. and I REALLY hate “it will get better” I’ve been hearing that for 12 years, if it was going to “get better” then it would have already.