If I could Back Up

On New Year's Eve everyone is looking forward.  But, for those of us who have lost our beloved, we want to back up.  It is a hard spot to be in.  We know that we must move forward with the rest of the world, yet our hearts are in the past. 

This is my third NYE without Mike and it has been the gentlelest so far.  I miss him to the depths of me, but the rawness of my missing it is being replaced with fondness.  I tenderly remember him without as many tears as before.  I love Mike.  I always will.  And, I can do this while I continue living my life and seeking joy in this new year. ~S.


I wish I could back up and start all over…

I would stand, and pause

And, take it all in.

I would drink up your laughter,

And, I’d fill up on your words.


I would love you deeper.

I’d kiss you softer.

I would hold you longer.

And, I’d never let you go…


I’d let your fingers softly imprint on my skin - over and over again.

Then, your touch could live on me forever…


If I could back up,

I’d memorize the warmth of your body against mine.

I’d hang on your every word.

I would ask you to tell me another truck story,

I’d listen longer and harder to everything you said.

I’d look into your kind eyes,

And, I would hold my breath,

And, then I’d stay there forever.



If I could back up,

I would be quiet and still,

I’d stop and appreciate the ordinary, everyday things.

I’d be careful not to blink when you winked at me from across the room.

I’d not take my eyes off you,

And, my ears would memorize the sound of your laugh filling the room.


If I could back up,

I’d thank you again and again for the way you smiled when you laid your eyes on me.

I’d slow down,

And, treasure how your eyes glistened with tears when you spoke to me.

I would memorize the sound of your voice when you told me how much you loved me.

If we could dance one last time,

when the music was over I’d never let you go.


If I could start all over…

I’d thank you for taking my hand in yours.

And, as you sat at the kitchen table, I would run my fingers across your shoulders,

Because I could…

If I could back up, I’d fall asleep on your chest one last time,

And, I’d never lift up my head.

I’d stay there forever.


I wish I could back up,

I’d start all over.

I’d kiss you like it was the last time, every single time we said goodbye.

When we hugged, I’d never be the first to let go.

I’d memorize your arms around me,

So, that as time passes I would still know your touch by heart.


I wish I could back up, and start from the beginning.

I would pause the days,

And, I’d make the nights longer.

I’d live in the moment.

I’d stay on the back patio a little longer,

We’d listen to one more song

And, have one more glass of wine.


Wherever I go,

You are imprinted forever in my heart and in my Soul.

I’m grateful for you; and, to you for giving me some of the happiest days of my life.


Our laughter plays softly in my ears.

Our conversations rerun quietly in my head.

And, in my mind, late at night, I still kiss you on my tiptoes,


When I close my eyes, I can see your farm kid smile,

It brings me to my knees.

It always will,

For the rest of my life.


Mike, you will always be the love of my life.

My memories are not going anywhere…

Still, I wish I could back up,

And, love you all over…



Showing 5 reactions

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  • Karen Burkhead Hughes
    commented 2019-01-07 07:52:12 -0800
    Oh my goodness! You speak what I feel.. what many of us probably feel. The things we took for granted while we have them. One of the things I have learned from my grieving is to take nothing for granted anymore. Everything in my life has taken on more meaning and more urgency. Living in the moment has become my normal. I want to do all the things. I forced myself to do this in the beginning but now it has just become my new normal. But if I could go back…
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-01-06 20:55:07 -0800
    I am happy that you do not feel alone in this Laura. At Soaring Spirits we understand. The future is different than the one we envisioned but we must try to make the best of it. Seek Joy. Best to you as you try to live this new alternate life. ~S.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-01-05 12:03:00 -0800
    Oh Wowwww dear Staci’ ! ! ! All these – If I Could-s ’ I Would-s – made me weep and cry and took me back ’ like a video cassette rewinding through my memory lane of love and marriage story’ . . . Soooo relating to each sentence’ each sentiment you so clearly and fondly and lovingly express … Thank You so much for so honestly and openly sharing your widowhood experience and making me not to feel abandoned and alone in my grief . . . – Laura – . . .
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-01-03 08:38:14 -0800
    Yes, to enjoy the mundane, small ordinary things together once more would take my breath away. Together we had a beautiful life and I am grateful for it all. ~S.
  • Marissa Hutton
    commented 2019-01-02 17:54:26 -0800
    If we could back up, indeed! One more slow dance, one more mundane weekend, one more meal, one more kiss, one more silly joke, just one more anything positive!