Idle Thoughts instead of~

Idle thoughts because I feel like shit and can’t summon up the energy to form a full sentence~

Being sick sucks. 

Being sick while widowed sucks bigger.

It adds to the sense of aloneness.

Even when it’s only a head cold, but the exhaustion of living years without your person sets in at the same time and it becomes bigger than it is.

It makes me wonder what old age will feel like now, going through it alone.

How do you fix silence when the silence comes from the emptiness within your heart?

How often have you heard the word brave and courageous to describe what you’re doing since your person died?  And yet, how often have you actually felt brave as you live this life without him/her?

Do you feel brave?

Or is it just that there is no other choice other than to continue living, whatever that means for any of us.

It’s the heaviness of it, you know.  The weight that descended upon my body when Chuck died.  It’s constant.

I guess that’s why I’m always so tired.  Carrying that weight, you know.

No matter what I do, that weight never seems to go away.

A dear widow sister told me at one point it doesn’t change.  We just get stronger to carry it.  That makes sense to me.

So I need to get stronger, physically.

Right now, I feel like shit, though, with this head cold.  So I guess I’ll get stronger later.

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  • commented 2016-08-25 10:36:10 -0700
    I’m feeling that heaviness now as I transition from one job to another. I am happy about the job, but every night I’m exhausted! I wish I could take a vacation, but that’s an emotionally loaded thing too…a vacation without my husband? A stay cation in our empty apartment?
    It has been 10 months now. I’m getting better at dealing, can laugh and feel at least “pleasant”, not joyous. But the road ahead looks so long and empty. I daydream about having someone else…kind of “him” in another body…but I don’t feel ready to go through the whole relationship building thing. I don’t really want to attach to someone new, I want someone to come along and channel “him” so we can be back together.
  • commented 2016-08-25 09:13:01 -0700
    It always comes back to being without the one person that made life worth living.

    I am tired of carrying that same weight………so, so tired.