I Will Always Wonder

I know it’s not healthy to think about what could have been. But sometimes I let my mind wander and take a peek of the life we could have had if you had never had your accident. I know this can’t ever exist, but I will always wonder. 

I will always wonder if we would have grown old together. If we truly would have decorated our wheelchairs together, like we wanted to. I wonder if we would have gone to Rome, New York, and Hawaii like we said we would. 

I wonder if we would buy our cabin up North. I wonder if we would have had more children together. I wonder how you would have grown as a man and as a father to our children. I would have liked to have seen your face, as our little girl continues to hit her milestones and experiences new things. I wonder if you would have held my hand throughout the years, as we would walk beside each other. 

I wonder if you would have continued to write me love notes, and beautiful cards to express how you feel. I wonder if after time had aged me, you would still find me beautiful. I wonder about the more beautiful memories we could have created. I wonder how your love would have grown throughout this life.
I will always wonder about these things, but I am truly thankful for the years we did share. I feel that if you were truly meant to do all those things with me, somehow someway you would have made it. Maybe this was all part of the plan, or not. That is something I will never know until I die. But I will always wonder.

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  • Jane Santa Hess
    commented 2019-12-31 03:53:54 -0800
    I am so sorry Mara. My husband and I grew old together but it wasn’t enough time. I expected to enjoy evenings on the deck with a glass of wine and more time with the grandkids. The month I finished work, he got sick. I think about the present moment more now but often think what we might be doing if he were here. It is hard for sure.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-12-30 17:15:31 -0800
    Ahhh’ that wandering mind’ A widow of a year in my early sixtys’ feels like my mind’s video cassette is constantly on automatic rewind’ . . . . . Laura’
  • Sharon Moriarty
    commented 2019-12-12 17:15:00 -0800
    He would have still wrote you beautiful cards and love notes and found you even more beautiful as you aged. Your lives together were locked in time. He could not avoid his Destiny, neither can you. But please know he has his freedom and peace.