I want my why

I have been told time and time again don't ask why. It will drive you mad. I have been told there are something's you will never have answers for. You must let go. In other people's dark hours have have given this same advice. But the truth is I want my why! I want my answers! 
I have been laying in a hospital bed for three days now. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis four months after Joeys death. I pissed me off to my core. Wasn't enough enough. But I fought through the anger and tried to accepted it as best I could. I have tried to be responsible about it. I have sought out medical attention both conventional and traditional. And yet here I sit in a bed with steroids being pumped in me. And no one can tell me why. Why I have this disease. What triggers it. What is going to happen to me. 

I want my why's. I want to know what happen to Joey that night that drove him off the road. I want to know if he was in pain. If he knew what happen. I want to know what is last thought was. I want to know why I have to keep going without him. I want to know why my kids don't get to have a daddy. I want to know why I am laying in this damn hospital bed.
I want to know when is going to be my turn to have an easy life. 
I want to know what the point of any of this really is. That's what I want to know!

Showing 5 reactions

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  • Karmen Ng
    commented 2017-05-06 16:57:38 -0700
    I have been asking myself why so many times since he passed 9 days ago. I just don’t understand it.
  • Patricia Kenyon
    commented 2017-05-05 21:36:08 -0700
    Michelle, I do get it.
    The part of your message which really resonated with me was the part about MS, why you have it, what triggers episodes, what is going to happen. I’ve a close relative who has been living with MS for some 15 years. Sometimes she has good medical care, sometimes not so good. Sometimes she is on top of it, sometimes not. I asked her what resource she considers has been best for her throughout, she told me “She needs NMSS.org. National Multiple Sclerosis Society.” They have lots of resources and local groups. If you’ve already found them, good. If not, I wanted you to know. They’ll probably have some answers.
  • Dee Wohlfarth
    commented 2017-05-02 18:47:32 -0700
    So sorry for your loss. My husband is still here – on hospice. Life is so not fair. I wish you and I could both find our why’s.
  • Gayle Goldberg
    commented 2017-05-02 09:20:29 -0700
    I don’t think we ever know what the point is, or the why, at least not in this lifetime. I’m sorry that you have to deal with your own serious medical problems on top of your loss. Life certainly isn’t fair.
  • Barbara Raczak
    commented 2017-05-01 17:06:50 -0700
    Yup I get it. I have been asking why for over 4 years. Why my husband died. I will ask forever. I am sorry for what you are going through.