I Cannot Be That Person

It is Thursday evening, and in the morning, around 7:30am, my boyfriend of almost one year, will be having surgery. It's not life-threatening surgery or anything, (hernia operation) but my "sudden death widow anxiety brain" is screaming at me otherwise. I have been thinking about all of the things that could go wrong, thinking about sudden death, thinking about all of it. He will probably and most likely be fine and okay and life will go on. But I am a widow of sudden death, and so my knowing that someone can be taken from you in an instant, when you least expect it, is impossible to un-know. 

On top of that, I have the story of my own sudden death loss, but also all the many widowed friends I have met over the years, and all THEIR stories of minor surgeries gone wrong, freak accidents, doctors making mistakes, on and on and on. I will be driving him to the hospital in the morning, staying there by his side , waiting in the waiting room while he has the procedure, and getting him back home whenever they release him. He also gave me the numbers for all his family members and people close to him, for me to text and call and let them all know the updates. I am the "point person", and I will do it gladly, because I love him, and he is my person. 

However, you all know what's coming. Yes, I am terrified. I am going out of my mind actually. But even more than that, because I have come to expect this from myself - I do not like how sudden death has changed me. I do not like what it has done to me. I told my love today that I hated that I cannot say to him, and mean it and be genuine: "Don't worry, baby. Everything will be okay." I cannot say that to him. I cannot be that person. Because sometimes, everything is not okay. Everything falls apart and the life you knew is on the floor , shattered and gone and broken. I told him: "Everything will hopefully be okay. I really think it will be, and that's the best I can do. And I love you very much." 

Last year, right around this time, we had just met - and I suddenly came down with some random liver disorder. Something was attacking my liver, I was in the ER twice in one week, and I felt and looked like death. He never left my side. He was terrified. He told me later that he kept thinking he would be widowed just a couple weeks after meeting me! Ha! I want to be there for him like he was for me, and so I will be. 

I just hope that everything is okay.

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  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2018-06-01 22:48:37 -0700
    Like you, I hate how that is part of who we are now. My entire family will be on the same plane in a week headed to my daughter’s wedding. I should be (and am on some level) excited. But “the knowing” nags at my mind constantly. It’s good to hear I’m not alone in those kinds of thoughts.