History Repeats Itself All Too Often Too Soon

Since losing Tin, I look to each new week as a new horizon that will bring brighter days. This is my fourth post and I thought, maybe by now, my blog would have small sparks of settlement in the chaos. I guess it is good to hope but bad to assume. A very fine line that I often fail to recognize these days. I’ll keep the faith that those brighter days are to come but it is difficult with the unexpected challenges that continue to appear. I feel as though I have never heard of anyone else going through all of the milestone days associated with a loss along with the strange scenarios I have recently found myself cornered in. Yes cornered is a great description of how I feel and this week has been one of the most unmanageable yet.

Those who haven’t lost a partner can’t understand the extent of the loneliness. No one to wake up to. No one texting through the day to see how you are. No one to plan dinner with. No one to fold laundry with. No one in the room at the end of the night to wish you sweet dreams and provide a sense of safety through the night. Worst of all – No one to enjoy those special dates with. The lack of a person makes them almost unbearable.

This week was one of those weeks. Fourth of July would be our 4th anniversary and the days leading up to it were full of discomfort, no appetite and depression. I feel like a ghost sometimes just floating around except I actually want to be invisible sometimes. My plan on our anniversary was to be invisible, stay home, order Tin’s favorite food and ignore that the pops and bangs around the neighborhood were others celebrating their independence while I only feel pain and a new emptiness from mine. Of course the creativity of the Universe decided otherwise. Tin’s cousin was in town to start going through his mother’s house and it just so happens that 4th of July was the better night to go to dinner. We went out and I had fun but I felt guilty I wasn’t home reserving this night as our night. The next day would be tough to go to his mother’s house and start sorting. Tin’s cousin asked me to bring his ashes over so she could transport them up to Chicago for burial. This would be the last time he would leave our home. I buckled him in the passenger seat, said my goodbyes and carried him into his mother’s home. After a couple of hours of tears and confusion, his cousin asked if I would take Tin back to my apartment because she did not think she could carry him on a plane. I had gone through our anniversary and having to say goodbye again only to bring him back home. So I buckled him in on the passenger side, drove home, parked and carried Tin in one hand while walking Roan on leash. There we were, the three of us climbing the stairs together again not knowing when Tin would leave us again permanently….

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  • Janice Hart
    commented 2019-07-04 17:48:40 -0700
    My heart is broken for you. Have you considered taking some of the cremains and having something made for yourself to keep? I have a glass necklace that contains and my son has a key chain with some. When my time comes, our sons will co-mingle the ashes so that we remain together always. I feel comforted to have him here with me, and I’m sure you do the same. ((hugs)) for you, on this your anniversary day. He loves you still.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-06-07 19:49:23 -0700
    That’s exactly it’ without that one special person who you shared your life’s minute facets with’ and then suddenly there’s NO ONE TO …

  • Bj Hawes
    commented 2018-07-09 21:50:47 -0700
    Bryan, I understand where you’re coming from regarding loneliness. I lost my best friend/love of my life of 49+ years of marriage on May 26, 2016. After moving fours year prior from Oregon to Florida and not having made any true friends, I was devastated by the loneliness. I moved eight months after that to a 55+ community in hopes of finding new friends. I kept asking the Lord to show me my mission in life so I could get it done and go be with my husband. The Lord however had other plans for me. He revealed He wanted me to start a Widows Ministry and come alongside other widows and make sure that they don’t have to go through such loneliness as I did. Well a year later and even though I will never stop missing my beloved husband, I can say that I am happy and at peace with my new life, and I am doing something good for others at the same time. I know it’s still very hard, but sometimes all it takes is giving of ourselves to others to make life worth living again.
  • Jill Neustaeter
    commented 2018-07-08 21:28:34 -0700
    This life we have to live is so surreal. I to lost my love to a liver disease quickly last oct. It took exactly 26 days. This July 16 would have been our 30 Anniversary I feel like I am just floating around too. Dreading a day that we were so looking forward to. Planned to surprise him with a trip to Bora Bora Now I’m planning as you did to hide and try and survive

    Survive we will but it sure isn’t the same is it
  • Deborah McCollum
    commented 2018-07-08 19:10:57 -0700
    Today is 1 year since l lost my husband of 45 years! 7-8-2018
    He ask for his ashes to be scattered at his favorite airport- he was a pilot- it was freeing to do one last thing for him that he wanted ✈️ ❤️🙏🏻
  • Stephanie Hughes
    commented 2018-07-07 16:35:50 -0700
    I have tried several time to post to your poignant writings, but for some reason, it won’t save. I hope this will. Maybe my replies are too long. All I wanted to say is that it’s breaking your heart, again, to be separated from Tin, have you thought about keeping his ashes? While our loved ones may have set down what they wanted before they passed, they had NO idea of the horrific pain and suffering we are left with. Perhaps keeping Tin with you for awhile will help you on this gut-wrenching journey, and then when you are ready, follow his plans, whatever they are. I am sure that he will understand.
    Love and Peace to you, Bryan