Heart and Soul

When your heart and soul are just so tired, 5 years in.

Not for any particular reason, really.

Everything is pretty much the same as it’s always been.

Even when life is routine, my spirit is tired. And, yes, life on the road can be routine.

Tired from doing and being and all the stuff that comes from living a life that is so achingly and shockingly different from the life that was going to be.

Widowing.

How many of us just get out there and do what life requires? How many of us go beyond that requirement and strive to truly create a life for ourselves, alongside all the grief and devastation?

And we do, by god. But, Jesus, it’s exhausting.

To me, anyways.

Underlying all the doing and creating and self-care and just…everything….is the overriding knowing that I’ll never see him again, and I ache all over with that knowing.

Sort of like a continual flu.

And you just learn to live with it.

And live above it and around it and with it.

And some days are pretty good, even with it.

It’s just always fucking there.

I haven’t figured out the process for feeling joy again. Or, never mind joy…how about just feeling a sense of peace again? Feeling that all is right with the world again?

My world tilted on April 21, 2013, and it’s just never righted itself.

It’s a constant balancing act now….this life.


Showing 8 reactions

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  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-07-25 06:11:28 -0700
    Almost 9 months in. Next week to be exact and I am still grappling with how the hell this happened. to me, to him, my kids.
    Somehow you get to month nine or year whatever. How I got here I have no idea.
    At the third month mark I was also overwhelmed and shocked. I look at my husband’s picture and cry and shake my head but one day becomes another.
    One day at a time.
  • Crystal Higgins
    commented 2018-07-24 23:02:48 -0700
    Just 3 months in, its exhausting. The reality that he isn’t going to walk through those doors again, I won’t be able to gaze in his eyes. Its almost overwhelming. But I know I have to know live for us both.
  • indie
    commented 2018-07-18 19:43:28 -0700
    After five years and six months he is never hidden from my emotional view. I can break down at the drop of a hat ……….still. Yet, most people would think I am “better”. I hate this……..every bit of it.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-07-18 10:34:11 -0700
    Great analogy.
    It’s always there. Every freaking second.
  • Kt Kt
    commented 2018-07-12 12:17:23 -0700
    That was beautiful Tracey. You made me cry. That is exactly how I feel. The work commute to and from is so me.
  • Tracey Hayes
    commented 2018-07-12 11:52:56 -0700 · Flag
    I am exactly the same.. I get up ..look at his box and our photo on our bedside table .. I lay on his side now.. say out loud .. well.. your still not here .. I do my usual morning routine .. like a lifeless robot.. all the while thinking wtf is the point ..then I remember all my bills .. and off I go .. i listen to songs that ive found since it happened.. as well as ones he used to sing all the time.. i get to work.. switch off.. when i get agitated i go to my car for 10 minutes to watch his videos he made for me .. i finish my work .. get in the car ..feel empty the whole way home.. get home ..run to my room kiss his box and look for things to show he has been there .. nothing now ( the first few weeks i randomly saw amazing things) ..now he is just gone.. i cry i talk out loud to him begging him to come see me .. please just tonight let me hear you answer me ..i miss you ..cant do this by myself now.. your my person.. nothing but me again.. it has been 44 of the longest days ive ever known since he walked out the door and didnt come back in… i don"t even want it to get better without him.. is like I wake up and can’t wait for bed time so I dont have to live amongst happiness of everyone around me .. 😪💔
  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2018-07-11 22:17:12 -0700
    Such a perfect description of my life now. Daily living used to equal contentment. Now it’s just an endless, exhausting road.
  • Kt Kt
    commented 2018-07-11 13:05:27 -0700
    Not even 3 months in to my loss, this resonates so. It will be a long journey to peace.