Hard Day

Today was a hard day. It was filled with anger, sadness, desperation, and tears. I am angry at the fact that my husband is no longer here. I am mad that my daughter doesn’t get to grow up with her father, and that my husband doesn’t get to experience his daughter grow up. I am mad and disappointed at everything and everyone that was involved with this accident. I have the right to be angry. I wake up next to an empty space, instead of my husband’s embrace. I see my daughter give nosy kisses and try to feed chips to a picture of her father because he is not in the flesh. As a woman, my heart is broken. And as a mother, my broken heart aches with agony as I feel for my daughter. I feel a sense of desperation that I can’t bring my husband back and give her his arms, his love, his kisses, his all. It’s such a debilitating feeling. A debilitating feeling that those who lose the love of their life genuinely know. 

Tears roll down my face, as I lay on my kitchen floor, crying my soul out, with no one there to console me. The person that used to pick me up is no longer here. As I cry, the pain gets more intense. It’s an intensity of a broken heart, a damaged soul with broken dreams. It’s good to cry and release that pain. Someone once told me that grief is love that you can’t give. I find that to be true. As I pick myself up from the kitchen floor, I notice my daughter woke up from her nap. As I stand outside her bedroom door, I wipe my tears and collect myself. All she sees is her mother smiling and singing at her, as I enter the room. Not knowing that I feel like I’m bleeding internally with loneliness and darkness. And that today was a hard day. 

Showing 8 reactions

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  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-28 10:13:33 -0700
    Robynn, I am so sorry for your loss. I feel for you and your children. The loss of my husband was also sudden and very tragic. I have had the same fears as you do. It’s good to cry and let it out. I’m 10 months into this new life, and I can tell you that it’s still very hard, but manageable. I’ve had days were I didn’t even want to wake up, but I knew my little girl needed me. So that was my force and reason to get up. And she still is and forever will be. I can tell you, I’ve done so many things to try to help myself move forward with this new life. From reading countless books, to therapy, to meditation, and more. I’m sure sometimes you feel like your living minute by minute, hour by hour, and it’s normal to feel that way. But know that somehow someway you and your children will make it through this, as impossible as it may feel sometimes. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk.
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-08-28 09:00:30 -0700
    Dear Robynn. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers are with you and your children. You are not alone, may this bring you a smidgen of comfort.
  • Robynn B.Perez
    commented 2019-08-28 02:16:49 -0700
    Mari Posa. Butterfly in spanish right? Delicate and beautiful come to mind when i read that name just like a butterfly. Your word truely resinate and embody mostly my every day right now. Rough day, bad day, hard day. Its seems like thats my everyday as of right now . its been a lil over two months since the tragic sudden loss of my husband age 39. i feel like i miss him more with every day that passes because its been one day more since i had seen him. My kids are 9 ricky and 4 ruby. I find myself going to the garage to cry alone away from the kids cause i feel like they feel sorry that i.m so sad. Its horrible most the time i cry because of what my husband is missing or what my kids have lost. I have so many fears but most of all that i even my best me will never truely be enough without my husband for my kids.rough day bad day hard day. They are all i. Have since that day.my poor kids. As you said my heart is broken for my husband and my broken heart aches for my kids.
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-16 21:00:43 -0700
    Thank you all for your comments. It’s been a couple of rough days. Seeing all of your comments makes me feel less alone. And you are right Vartan, no one truly knows what we go through unless they go through it themselves. We are living each day the unimaginable, and for that, we are stronger even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

    Youn, thank you for sharing your thoughts as a mother who has to watch her kids grow up without their father. It breaks my heart to see my little girl having to interact with just pictures of her father. But that motivates me even more, to be the best mother I can be.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-08-16 19:57:54 -0700
    Oh yes’ that empty – empty space’ the private sobbing ’ the bleeding ’ the darkness and the loneliness within’ that no one can comprehend and no one can relate to ’ unless a widow’
    A tough ’ bumpy and a hard road this widowhood path’

  • Youn Lee
    commented 2019-08-16 17:37:12 -0700
    Your story resonates with me as a woman and a mum. Thank you for sharing it. Having to see kids growing up without the daddy who was deeply involved and did so much for them is agonising. I can’t tell it’s getting easier but I feel his continued love and support. Sending hugs to your way
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-08-15 21:13:29 -0700
    I too am sorry that you had a hard day. May it bring you a tiny smidge of comfort to know that the beautiful expression you shared makes me feel less alone. I too like that definition of grief. I still have so much love to give my husband and no satisfying outlet.
  • Julene McGregor
    commented 2019-08-15 11:57:47 -0700
    I’m so very sorry.