Hard Day

Today was a hard day. It was filled with anger, sadness, desperation, and tears. I am angry at the fact that my husband is no longer here. I am mad that my daughter doesn’t get to grow up with her father, and that my husband doesn’t get to experience his daughter grow up. I am mad and disappointed at everything and everyone that was involved with this accident. I have the right to be angry. I wake up next to an empty space, instead of my husband’s embrace. I see my daughter give nosy kisses and try to feed chips to a picture of her father because he is not in the flesh. As a woman, my heart is broken. And as a mother, my broken heart aches with agony as I feel for my daughter. I feel a sense of desperation that I can’t bring my husband back and give her his arms, his love, his kisses, his all. It’s such a debilitating feeling. A debilitating feeling that those who lose the love of their life genuinely know. 

Tears roll down my face, as I lay on my kitchen floor, crying my soul out, with no one there to console me. The person that used to pick me up is no longer here. As I cry, the pain gets more intense. It’s an intensity of a broken heart, a damaged soul with broken dreams. It’s good to cry and release that pain. Someone once told me that grief is love that you can’t give. I find that to be true. As I pick myself up from the kitchen floor, I notice my daughter woke up from her nap. As I stand outside her bedroom door, I wipe my tears and collect myself. All she sees is her mother smiling and singing at her, as I enter the room. Not knowing that I feel like I’m bleeding internally with loneliness and darkness. And that today was a hard day. 

Showing 5 reactions

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  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-16 21:00:43 -0700
    Thank you all for your comments. It’s been a couple of rough days. Seeing all of your comments makes me feel less alone. And you are right Vartan, no one truly knows what we go through unless they go through it themselves. We are living each day the unimaginable, and for that, we are stronger even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

    Youn, thank you for sharing your thoughts as a mother who has to watch her kids grow up without their father. It breaks my heart to see my little girl having to interact with just pictures of her father. But that motivates me even more, to be the best mother I can be.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-08-16 19:57:54 -0700
    Oh yes’ that empty – empty space’ the private sobbing ’ the bleeding ’ the darkness and the loneliness within’ that no one can comprehend and no one can relate to ’ unless a widow’
    A tough ’ bumpy and a hard road this widowhood path’

  • Youn Lee
    commented 2019-08-16 17:37:12 -0700
    Your story resonates with me as a woman and a mum. Thank you for sharing it. Having to see kids growing up without the daddy who was deeply involved and did so much for them is agonising. I can’t tell it’s getting easier but I feel his continued love and support. Sending hugs to your way
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-08-15 21:13:29 -0700
    I too am sorry that you had a hard day. May it bring you a tiny smidge of comfort to know that the beautiful expression you shared makes me feel less alone. I too like that definition of grief. I still have so much love to give my husband and no satisfying outlet.
  • Julene McGregor
    commented 2019-08-15 11:57:47 -0700
    I’m so very sorry.