Grief and Sex and...what?

Sex and widowhood.  I don't hear much about it but I wonder about it. I wonder about it because I think about it.  You probably do too.


So I read an article this week about widowers and sex. It was kind of a sexist article, in that it spoke to the belief that widowers seek sex as a panacea to grief, that men tend more to emotions such as anger, brooding silence and isolation as they grieve. As a woman, I was offended for them.  It isn't that they don't, but, I think, so do women.  Along with every other emotion in the book, as we grieve. But that isn't even really my point...

To quote: "When it comes to sex," he writes, "most widowers find themselves in a tough spot. When their wife passed on, so did regular sex. The desire for sex is one of the reasons widowers start dating again."

Where do we widows stand in this? When our husbands died, so did regular sex. And I can see it as a reason widows start dating again. I've given thought to it as a reason and why wouldn't I? My husband and I shared a very passionate relationship as lovers and I miss it horribly. I miss the intimacy of it, the wildness of it, the love that drove it. 

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  • Marguerite Boneski
    commented 2015-06-25 16:46:13 -0700
    After 18 months I’m starting to feel the need for the touch of another human being. It doesn’t have to be sex, but just that hand on my back would mean so much for me. A look that doesn’t mean poor her. A good laugh helps too.
  • Marissa Hutton
    commented 2015-06-24 06:24:52 -0700
    Hello Alison,
    I think the general perception is that once you no longer have your life partner, the main thing you miss is constant sex. It’s “easier” and more acceptable, in general, for widowers to start dating again soon because, well, a man needs what a man needs. Widows need it, too, and it’s such a twisted double standard. Most guys will date widows because they think they’re so sex starved that they will allow a man to “hit it and quit it” without wanting a true relationship with them. After all, they’re just trying to fill a void literally and figuratively left by their dead mate but if the widow does that, then she’s reduced to a “slut” in society’s eyes.
    It’s almost as if society gives a widower a big thumbs up because a man needs the comfort and intimacy of a woman but shouldn’t society feel the same about widows instead of the judge mental states and comments like “I wonder what her husband would think of her behavior if he were alive?” If my husband were alive, I wouldn’t be a widow and I wouldn’t be dating, duh!!!!
    I’m pretty much rambling so I apologize for that but I don’t see anything wrong with widowers or widows dating in hopes of finding intimacy and a safe sex partner again. It’s pretty scary out here these days so while I don’t feel ready to date again just yet, I’ll be hyper vigilant when I do decide to dip my toe back in the dating pond.