Going With It

The big news is, we found a place to rent here in Kona that has agreed to the dogs. It’s only up the block, so moving should be relatively easy. It’s expensive…but thankfully my boyfriend is with us for all the support both emotional and financial that it will entail. 


It has not come easy. It took weeks for the owner to come around to us (apparently, two dogs are better than a group of young single people or a family of 10). We had to endure a long, detailed financial application and background check. And the hardest, for me, has been the emotion of it all.


My stay at the house my beautiful late husband and I shared is coming to an end.


I will leave part of me behind here. My heart, or most of it, it feels like. 


But I am already trying to envision life in this new place. What it will feel like to get up and go through my morning routine in a new space. What it will feel like to come home after work and pull into a different driveway. How it will feel to start fresh, to decorate my new office, to cook in a new (or new to me anyway) kitchen.


I also can’t stop thinking how it will feel to drive by my old, empty house, when it’s all said and done. I think I will avoid it for awhile. Though I’m sure curiosity will get the best of me down the line. How long will it stay empty after the auction? Who will end up there, and what will they do to it?


I still have a lot of decisions to make regarding stuff. What I will take. What I will sell. What I will donate. You know, that age-old question widowed people must face. And it’s not just about Mike’s stuff, because I have already narrowed down the pieces of his that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It’s about our stuff - stuff I shared with Mike, stuff we both lived with for so many years. Furniture, pictures, even kitchen things.


How much will change? How different will my life look a month from now?


It will always look different because Mike’s not here.  That much I know already. 


I will never be ready to leave. But sometimes life just happens and we have to go with it. It’s what’s best for my dogs, in this moment. Mike would never have left THEM behind, that’s for sure.


I will have to dig deep to find enough income to do this. I will push for more hours at the restaurant - I job I enjoy for so many reasons, but physically, it is hard. I will push for my new health coaching business, finalizing those last details and then marketing myself around town, and the internet.


I will work hard to bloom where I’m planted. A year from now? Who knows, there could be another move, more changes. But for now, I’m still here.


It may not be the place I imagine for myself long term, but I have familiarity on my side. I have many wonderful friends - a support system, partially from my years here with Mike, and partially from all the new people I’ve met since. And that’s no small thing.


Maybe a year from now I’ll be ready for more changes. I guess there’s no way to know. But what we do know is sometimes we have to go with it even if we don’t feel totally ready. Sometimes we have to make hard choices and roll with them, even as regret and old memories sting our hearts.


Showing 5 reactions

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  • Stephanie Vendrell
    commented 2017-11-17 15:35:01 -0800
    Thanks Cathy… I can already tell, driving by will be hard and I will probably avoid it too for a long time. But once again it seems to be a thing some of us share. :((
  • Cathy
    commented 2017-11-17 05:14:18 -0800
    So glad you’ve found a place for you and your fur friends , I have done this move, and I got thru it by telling myself I could always move again if I didn’t like it. Of course I don’t like it! but it was necessary. My house I sold was flipped in under a year, I’ve only seen photos of it, can’t do the drive by. I miss it and that other life I had every day, but keep trying to embrace what I have and where I’m at. I’m now negotiating a sale of family cottages, another loss altho not the same as my person. Seems the train just keeps on rolling, and I keep waiting for the it to stop at the station. Good luck to you with this move, you’ve had some time to imagine it, but soesn’t make it any easier.
  • Stephanie Vendrell
    commented 2017-11-17 04:15:42 -0800
    Donna, courage and bravery are not things I would have imagined for myself but I hear you and I revel in that. I will carry that with me, thank you. I hope you will find a way to ease a transition for yourself. It is SO not easy, but one hopes the end result might be.
    Lisa…thank you for being there. We certainly have many things in common…driving by the old house will be a THING I know. I will probably also avoid it for a long time, close as it is. Lots of love.
  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2017-11-16 23:17:53 -0800
    After more than six years I have only summoned the courage to drive by our old home three times. Yes, curiosity got the best of me – but emotionally it takes a toll. I live about a mile away but deliberately go around it almost daily. Don’t know if it will ever be easier, but as you said sometimes we just have to go with what life brings our way. Wishing you wonderful new memories in your new place.
  • Donna Hooker
    commented 2017-11-16 18:10:47 -0800
    Oh Stephanie, what I see is so much courage & bravery. I have struggled with the same thing. I love our home but the upkeep is overwhelming at times. It is just me so I just keep burying my head in the sand. Much love & happiness to you in your new home.