Depression is a tricky thing.
You never really know when it will happen. It just creeps up on you. At least, that’s what it did to me this week.
I miss my wife, but that wasn’t the catalyst this time. Or maybe it was. I’m not sure.
All I know is that I was down. For whatever reason. Unmotivated to do anything.
Existing monotonously to anyone and everyone around me, even myself.
I’ve made attempts to tame the beast, but the beast is me...and me is a person that I’ve never truly been able to control, at least not fully.
I sit in silence most days, hoping my thoughts will break the silence with something profound and inspiring. This week: nothing.
Sometimes, however, nothing is necessary.
It puts in perspective the somethings that exist in your life. That’s not even a profound thought. It’s just an observation.
Perhaps next week will be better.
We will see.
Do things ever really work out?
This Valentine’s Day put me at pause with that thought as I lay dying, staring at the neutral-colored walls of my bedroom while listening to the sounds of silence in an ever-enclosing prison of flu-ridden paralysis.
Time stood still. When it does so, my mind agonizes and over-analyzes.
The past. The present. The future.
All of it.
I think about love often. What it means. What it means to me now. How it should be expressed. How it should be approached and carried out.
I’ve never kept a woman. I’ve only ever admired one for a fleeting moment before she disappeared from my life. Leaving me to deal with the damages, however great or small they may be, to either learn from or discard what was necessary and applicable to my development as a better man.
Linzi was the fairy tale romance. The only evidence I will ever need to know that love exists. Fairy tales for me, however, tend to turn to either nightmares or tragedies of a foregone Shakespearean era.
It was tragic. It was beautiful. It was bittersweet.
It cannot be replicated, merely recited to the best of one’s abilities in a futile attempt to recapture what once made it stand as a classic to begin with.
Her existence was temporary. Her impact was permanent.