Fragments and Words~

Believe it or not, I am sometimes at a loss when it comes to writing my weekly blog. Not because I’ve run out of words but because it’s so hard to find other words to write that I haven’t already used. For me, the longer the time since Chuck’s death, the more intimate it becomes to me. And the more intimate it becomes, the fewer words I find that seem able to describe it. So I find myself wanting to write in short, static sentences, which is how my brain seems to work these days. Random thinking that rolls and dips like a coaster in the swells and valleys of my mind.

So, this week’s offering:

I’m so tired. A good part of that might very well have to do with my lousy eating habits. And lack of exercise. And brain fatigue from the fragments of memory streaming through my mind’s eye, of our times together, his last weeks, my last 2 plus years...everything and nothing and more and less and more again. At the end of a day...any so many ways it feels like I’ve accomplished exactly nothing.  It feels like I waste time most of the time.  But at the same time I know that I’m doing intense inside work in my soul, even though I couldn’t tell you exactly what that work is.  I want to create a career as a writer and a speaker and I’m making connections and learning more about both, but these things are also not yet tangible, so, once again, at the end of the day, it doesn’t feel like I’ve done much.

I swear, at times, I can feel a battle happening in my body. The battle between the part of my brain that knows he’s dead and the part that just can’t believe it.  It’s like the clash of the titans or something, seriously.  Swords ringing, shields clashing, slipping and sliding in the blood and the gore. My brain is a fucking sideshow these days.

As I travel in this Odyssey of Love, I meet hundreds of people. Which is a good thing and it keeps me from isolating and I’m so grateful it happens.  I put myself into social situations constantly when I visit family and friends and I stay in the moment when I’m with them, and I interact with them.  I used to love crowds of people, I was at my best when I was in lively conversations but it just isn’t that way anymore.  It takes so much energy to be with anything more than a couple of people at a time and it’s easiest to be with family, so that I can just go away if I so wish.

I don’t know where I went when Chuck died.  I just know that I went away and I know that woman isn’t coming back and I grieve that.  I grieve for so much that was lost.

It kind of freaks me out when I read about other widows, further along than I, who say that their grief is still so hard.  It doesn’t surprise me, but it does freak me out because I think wow, this level of grief just is not sustainable in the long run. Yes, I know that grief is individual and it may not be that way for me.  Forgive me though, for not having a clue what hope is, and my general inability to look into a future that holds only the knowingness of it being without him in it.

I took an online stress test today, where you answer questions about life situations and it measures your stress levels.  It was one of the more common tests used by experts.  The high end for concern was 100 or so.  My number came out over 300.  Holy shit.

But also, no shit, Sherlock.

Are any of you as exhausted as I am?

Have you run out of words too, that describe this clusterfuck?

Do you wish for anything in your life?

Or do you stop at the words I wish,

and then stop

because you don’t know what else to say?

because you don’t know what else to say?    

Showing 6 reactions

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  • Cindy Regan
    commented 2015-08-14 17:31:17 -0700
    This post has really resonated with me also. My husband passed away on 10/19/14. He had a skiing accident in January 2011 which left him a quadriplegic. Our lives were forever changed. I griefed so much then and also had so much anger. His body finally gave out after many hospitalizations and illnesses. It was and is such a tragedy. At first, I found myself very occupied with busy stuff after he died and in many ways was glad his pain and suffering was over. However, my only child is going away to college in less than 2 weeks and I find myself so overwhelming sad that my husband, Don, is not here for any of these milestones. I wish I could talk to him.
    I have been struggling between trying to get healthy with diet and excercise and then going back to poor eating habits and drinking wine. I feel really stuck, not knowing how to move forward. My friends have been good about keeping in touch, but I find myself wanting to be alone. I have no energy either. I’m feeling hopeless but want to feel hopeful.
  • Lynn Keyser
    commented 2015-08-06 20:30:22 -0700
    I lost my husband 5/29/14. I hate to say this but I still feel an agonizing amount of grief! In the beginning, I tried to “hide” from the grief, from the realization that my Richie is gone. Now the grief is numbing, the crying from deep inside my heart. I’ve been told it does get better…not real sure when that happens…maybe never for some of us. You are not alone in your journey.
  • Grace Johnson
    commented 2015-08-05 20:43:01 -0700
    “Clusterfuck”…exactly and lol.
    “I don’t know where I went when Chuck died. I just know that I went away and I know that woman isn’t coming back and I grieve that. I grieve for so much that was lost.”
    Yes…the me I was with my Travis has gone away…I look at pictures of us together…always in an embrace…wrapped in each
    other….I look at them and I smile and feel a kind of peace, for I know where she is…those lovers are together…for I died too.
    And so who is this petson left behind???
    Im trying to find that out…trying, tho unwillingly, to create a new identity…still going thru the motions, thankful for that beautiful soul that shared my life…and still.hating the fate I was dealt…I find myself running away from the grief…trying to have fun, like an alcoholic uses his drink…wanting to find my new purpose…think I know what I am to do…always there on the edge of it…easting precious TIME…not yet getting to the core of who I must become…but SOMEDAY I will…and so will you.
  • Teresa W
    commented 2015-08-05 10:21:10 -0700
    Wow, this post resonated with me so much that I want to forward it to everyone I know. I too am exhausted, and I know a lot of it is also from poor eating habits and lack of exercise. I have just in the last couple of weeks decided to do something about this and am hoping that other things sort themselves out if I can work on those two things.
    Clusterfuck is the perfect word to describe our situations.
    I don’t really wish for anything either. I hate that I can engage with people, and do fun things, but find joy in nothing. My children are in their mid twenties so not getting married and having babies yet and I’m so glad because I am not sure I could handle the bittersweet ness of it all.

  • Marissa Hutton
    commented 2015-08-05 10:08:42 -0700
    Yes, Alison, I’m exhausted and I have run out of words. At 3 years 1month and 8 days, I wish I could make my brain stop counting the time I’ve been without my hubby’s physical presence. I also wish for a really good guy friend to keep me company, to go places with me and to snuggle with but without the desire to date or be a FWB. I believe I saw a blog somewhere about a “Human For Rent” and I thought that was the best idea ever but I have no idea where to find a guy like that.

    I get frustrated sometimes when my adult sons or my siblings don’t want or don’t have the time to do things or go places with me but I have to take a step back and remind myself that they’re on their own journey so I shouldn’t get frustrated. I’m trying to keep my life on the track it was before my hubby died but I realize that’s not going to work anymore.
    I try not to take those stress tests because when I get stressed, I try to force myself to relax but then I think about having to take more meds for my blood pressure and that stresses me out more and then…lather, rinse, repeat.

    I’ve come to believe that this grief of mine will be with me until I close my eyes for the last time but little by little, I’m learning to keep it from taking over my entire life. Some days I win and some days I lose but I really am learning to deal with this detour.
  • Stephen Hochhaus
    commented 2015-08-05 08:03:25 -0700
    I love the way you describe it and you are so right Alison when you say “she’s gone” but what we become is the thing. We morph into that new person, grieving but dealing, one day to find ourselves still in love but still alive yet less sad.
    I may be further down the road but I am growing to like the person I am becoming, slowly starting to live again.