I'm feeling a bit lost and small as I head towards the second year mark of Jim's death. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and it draws me in to places I don't want to go.
I don't want to be sad and I don't want to feel like I have no energy. I don't want to wish that I weren't here, but I seem to have no control over how I feel ..... and I hate that.
I wish I could tell you that I've embraced my grief and just let it teach me all kinds of deep truths, but that would be a lie.
I hate this grief and how it's changed me. I know ... in my head ... that it's brought me some blessings, but today .... I just hate it.
Today, a little over a week until that day, I just want my "before" life back. I try not to go there .... to that place of wanting and longing for what I cannot have .... because I know that it is a waste of time. But in these days that is exactly how I feel ..... like I am wasting time.
This feeling is so difficult to describe and explain to people who aren't where we are. The feeling of heaviness, of loneliness, of feeling lost. The feeling of complete exhaustion and yet not being able to sleep. The feeling of feeling very, very small in this grief.
My head also knows that these days will pass and that they are usually much worse than the actual "day" itself. But my heart doesn't seem to be paying attention to my head lately.
And so I will feel what I feel .... until I don't.
Which, I hope, is soon.
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