Falling out of Grief

I feel like this may need some sort of introductory explanation. 
Suffice to say, that this entry is kinda sultry; but, more so, it is fairly profound - at least to me.
~Staci
I have figured out how to love Mike
-in separation.
And, I am not talking about some superficial, makeshift love.
I am talking about deep, pure, passionate love.
The type of love that makes you weak at the knees
- just thinking about it.
The kind of love that finds you pushed up against the wall,
Out of breath,
With your hair a mess.
A passionate love.
A close your eyes, 
Tilt your head back,
Inhale him,
And, 
Wait for his lips to find your mouth,
Put your hands on me,
Brush the hair from my eyes,
Kind of love.
Intense, consuming love.
And, this is pretty amazing, 
Considering the circumstance,
(Mike being dead and all).
Obviously, 
I can no longer have a 
physical love with him,
But, I have decided that we can still have a fierce love affair,
A love with intensity and passion. 
And, true to our love,
The love between Mike and I remains carefree and unbridled.
But, our love is not simply sultry,
Our love,
Is a quiet and gentle love, too.
It is a love you feel contently,
Gazing at you,
From across the room,
At any given moment,
Of an ordinary day.
A sweet, tender love,
A love you can feel,
Breathing,
On the back of your neck.
A dependable love.
A love that holds you,
Late into the midnight hour.
A love that you fall deeper into,
With every goodnight kiss.
A comfortable love,
A love that lays it’s eyes on you,
Like it’s the first time,
-every time.
A love you want to 
Wake up next to,
For the rest of your life.
The love - of - your - life
Kind of love.
The kind of love,
 I fell into with Mike.
And,
Somehow, 
I figured it out.
Now, I know how to love him 
-like this again.
Even though he is dead,
Despite the fact,
That he is gone from here.
Although,
We exist,
In two different dimensions.
I can still love him like this.
And, in doing so, 
I can let him go,
A little...
Because, I now understand,
He isn't leaving me.
Mike isn't going anywhere...

Over the last few weeks,

Something in my mindset has changed.

And, in the process,

I’ve rediscovered how to taste,

His memory on my lips.

And, still, 

Be present 

-in this reality.

HOW is this done?

It’s actually pretty easy...

I AM FALLING OUT OF GRIEF,

And, I am falling in Love with Life

-all over again. 

And, 
As I come back to life, 
The connection to my dead lover becomes stronger.
Because,
I am choosing life over grief.
I realize this seems counter intuitive, but I will explain...
The heaviness of my grief is lifting,
As, I am yearning to live again.
The light of life can once again shine directly on me,
Before,
I had the veil of grief shielding me from life,
I wrapped my grief snugly around me,
And, I wore it like a shawl.
Because,
I thought I needed protection from the uncertainty of the future.
I feared the unknown.

Now,

I have built back my confidence,

And, I am curious about life again.

And, for this reason,

Mike is closer to me.

He's with me because,

I am coming back to life.

The irony of this isn't lost on me.

The dead man I love is closer to me when I am living, not grieving.

Wow.

This is a pivotal moment in my grief.

And, yes, I am still missing Mike.
I always will.
But, now, I am not exclusively missing him.
Now, I miss him between breaths of life.
Mike is,
Simply,
All the life and love 
that surrounds me.
Therefore, 
I do not need to miss him,
So intensely.
He is still here.
And, now, 
Realizing this,
I am finally content.
By loving him,
More completely again,
I am actually able to let him go,
A little more.
And, now, 
I am able to
Love on my own life.
Now, that I learned how to
Love him, 
Across dimensions.
I am no longer afraid of losing him.
So,
I am free,
To attend to Life and Love,
Here, 
Where I exist.

Love leads to Life.

And, with time,

Life leads to Love

-again.

And, these ties of love,

Don’t bind me,

Like the chains of grief. 

Life and Love,

Have once again set me free.

 

~Staci 

 

 


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