Everything and Nothing

It’s one of those days where my thoughts are everywhere, nowhere, and make no sense.

Just a jumble of strange randomness. The kind of thoughts where you can’t sleep, because you can’t stop thinking. But you don’t really know what on earth you are thinking about.

Everything and nothing. That’s what I’m thinking about.

I miss my husband, who is dead forever. I'm insanely crazy in love with a beautiful man who came into my world almost 3 months ago now. When I see him or hear his voice, smiling happens immediately. And when I DON’T hear his voice or see him or don’t know where he might be, I panic and automatically assume he is dead forever too, and I will lose everything all over again. I don’t know how to control these thoughts. I don’t want these thoughts, but there they are, all the time. I try like hell to suppress them, talk myself out of them, but I know what I know, and my heart knows it always, and there's no turning back now. I continue forward in love, even though every step is filled with terror.

I miss my husband. I'm not sure why being in love with someone brings out the missing of the person who you love who is dead, but it does. I have been missing him a lot lately, as I love this wonderful new man in my life. I miss my husband and I love this man simultaneously. It’s a strange feeling, and also a normal feeling. MY normal. I don’t know quite how to explain it.

The holidays are coming soon. My birthday is this month. My wedding anniversary is next month. Autumn, my favorite season, is coming. Christmas, my favorite holiday, is on its way slowly. I'm excited about all of it, and at the same exact time, I'm missing the way that my husband used to get excited about MY getting excited about it. And, I'm looking forward to creating new traditions and new memories with this man in my life. Having new things to be joyful about, so I can feel joy alongside my missing.

My thoughts are all jumbled today. Like life. Like widowhood. Always a paradox.

Cruel and beautiful. That’s life I guess. And I don’t want to miss a second of it.

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  • commented 2018-02-08 01:25:39 -0800
    We can’t stop our thoughts when we love someone deeply. In http://www.essayheaven.org/, I have read an article about how to get rid of thoughts. But, it is really difficult to get away from the memories.
  • commented 2017-09-02 05:39:38 -0700
    Kelley… this is all so true…. every word! You have to experience this to really get it!
    Sometimes it seems so surreal.
    I can wake up in the middle of the night from my snuggling new husband …. and then go to our memory shelf where both my John and his Judi are remembered with pictures and favorite things… and sit holding a picture of John telling him how much I miss him and love him.My new husband tells me he does the same.
    This is not all the time… it is mostly occasionally… however sometimes more of often.
    Yet my new husband and I love each other very much… we are very very happy…..
    If you think about it too much it is impossible to make sense of it all.
    I just go with it.
    Thanks for putting the almost impossible feelings into words.