Does this ever get easier?

I had these exact same thoughts a year ago; and, tonight I wonder if any of this ever gets easier.

Am I a lousy widow?

Am I doing this wrong?

What the hell am I supposed to do?

What can I do to make any of this better?

Is this even possible.

Is it fair to assume that I will recover from Mike's death?

 

Still, 2.5 years later almost every thought still begins with him.

I am still unable to live in the moment because part of me lives in the past.

I struggle to be present because in my mind I am endlessly travelling to a better place in time.

Again and again I return to this place where he existed once upon a time.

Time has gone on without him and I am left here living in limbo...

 

When his heart stopped, the hands of time were unaffected.  I thought I felt time stand still when I saw his lifeless body; but, time itself callously marched on when he died.  Time did not stop.  Not even for a moment - in spite of my circumstance.  The world just carried on without Mike.  But, my world was left in ruin when the life I knew ended.  However, from the wreckage, something bigger than me, dragged me out from the rubble created by my shattered Soul.  I was rescued because my heart is still beating.  My life didn't end when Mike's did.  Life is for the living; and, now, I'm left to figure out how to do just that.

Almost immediately after his death, life demanded things of me.  On a surface level, I was forced to participate in life because children need raising.  Work needs to be completed.  Bills need to be paid.  Dishes need doing.  Laundry needs folding.  Lawns need mowing.  Things need to be said.  I need to show up.  There are people to meet and obligations to attend to.  Life has not stopped because Mike no longer exists here in this dimension.  Time has gone on and I've carried along with it.

Life demands participation - even after your person dies.  Life is unavoidable.  And, in truth, this is a good thing.  At this point, there is no part of me that intentionally wishes to escape living.  I think this is why my heart feels so heavy.  I want to breathe life in again.  I absolutely want to feel alive again; but, re-entering life is much more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I want to wholly participate in life.  I want to radiate happiness.  I want to see real joy in my eyes again.  I want to laugh until I am out of breath.  I desperately want to feel alive.  And, wouldn't you know it, all of this is in my power.  It's in yours too.  With this power comes responsibility.  As human beings, we are responsible for our own happiness.  At the end of the day, happiness is not dependent on anyone but ourselves.  I am responsible for the quality of my own life.  And, you are too. 

But, it's hard.  I know.  I'm tired too.  Sometimes I want someone to come along and take me by the hand.  Sometimes I want someone to help me re-enter life because it is so difficult to become engaged in a full life when you are sad and physically and emotionally exhausted.  But, this is not how life works.  It is no one's job to rescue me.  It is not up to someone to help me out of this conundrum.  I have to do this on my own.  Thankfully, it's not impossible to re-enter life.   And, I know, eventually, this will happen for me because I am not satisfied skimming the surface of a fulfilling life. 

 

Nope,

I am not content just existing well. 

I want to dig into life again.

I am here.

I want my hands to be dirty from the work of a life well lived. 

I want to jump back into life with both feet. 

Actually, I want to run straight into the unknown. 

I want to pause with confidence as I stand on the edge,

I want to look towards the sky and blow him a kiss,

And, then I will leap.

Knowing full well that I will be okay as I free fall...

Right now, I can close my eyes and I can feel this happening.

This life is mine.

For the taking.

It is all unfolding somewhere in a parallel universe.

Waiting for me to catch up to it.

Waiting for me to reach out and grab- what is rightly mine.

I can and I will take this much needed leap of faith

because I know full well he is there,

And, like always he will break my fall. 

Love never goes away. 

He is everywhere,

Mike is here.

Beside me,

Like he always was.

He will never leave me. 

I feel him.

It is only me standing in my way. 

 

I don't just want to reengage in life,  I need to.  My Soul needs to live boldly again.  I don't want to live life any other way.  I want to live like he showed me...  And, in time, I am certain that I will feel alive and I will live again like I did once upon a time...

 

~Staci

 


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  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-05-24 15:33:59 -0700
    Jeanne, I wish I had the answers to give you. I ask myself what “now what?” constantly. Daily, I question what I am supposed to do. I think we just keep any type of forward momentum that we can… Best to you as we both try to figure this out. ~S.
  • Jeanne McLaughlin
    commented 2019-05-20 17:01:43 -0700
    Staci,
    Reading your post made me feel I might find something here. Your persistent longing for Mike echoes my feelings. What are we to do with all this knowledge of the man we love when he is no longer here? It was 16 months this past weekend- the full moon is another way I mark and honor his death- but it’s hard for me to see how hope will arise. I persist, I endure, I give- luckily my life has purpose beyond, but intertwined with, family. But I don’t know how to hope, or what to hope for.
    Jeanne