Current State...Confusion~

I've reached a major point along this widowhood road. Arrived, so to speak.

At least, in my mind, I have.

I'm in the state of Confusion. And I'm kind of okay with it, in the midst of nothing being okay any longer.

I'm not fighting any emotion that comes my way.

Good, bad, indifferent and everything in between.

I picture myself, at times, as one of the ping pong games at a video arcade.

Ping! I go here. Ping! I go there.

I have a plan of sorts in my mind, but my energy level has just never returned from what it was before my world collapsed.

A dr recently diagnosed me with anxiety. A dermatologist dr, mind you. I went to her because I've had incessant itching over most of my body since summer time, and the rashes have done a job on my skin.

My first reaction to her words was upset; I've done all the work I've done with this fucking grief and 6.5 years later I get told my skin is reacting to anxiety? 

Her follow up was a list of medications that I should consider adding to my vitamins on a daily basis.

At which point, I said to myself, fuck no!

I don't need to numb myself more than I am, thank you. I don't need to feel any emptier than I do, thank you again. 

Yes, I feel confused about life a whole lot of the time. Yes, I struggle with enthusiasm and interest in events. All the stuff you know about from your own experience.

But I also have a rich fantasy life in my head, and I'm good with that. I go out and do all kinds of new shit and meet new people, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm starting counseling tomorrow with another therapist. This one is widowed also, I discovered.

On the intake forms that I've already filled out for her, one of the questions was What are your strengths?

I wasn't shy at all in responding; I'm determined and full of grit and I believe in the power of Love and Love is my super power because I learned how to love from a beautiful man who called me his wife. And I learned how to love a man with all that I am.

So...anxiety? 

You know what I'm doing with any fucking anxiety that I have?

I'm making a fucking documentary about my life on the road for these last 6 plus years, that's what I'm doing. I'm putting all that Love on film and I'm taking it around the country and showing it in every venue I can, to as many people as I can.

I'm creating my own legacy.

Anxiety holds no power over my Odyssey of Love.

Ever onwards~


Showing 4 reactions

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  • Alison L Miller
    commented 2020-01-12 17:56:02 -0800
    Sharon Moriarty, I had to take a minute to read twice what you wrote, and just want to say…well, bless your heart. Your response to my WV blog says more about your lack of understanding of what is normal in grief, and what is normal in life, in that we, as humans, carry many dual and complex feelings and emotions, and god has nothing to do with it. I’m glad you find comfort in your thinking. Possibly you can also give empathy and compassion a try~
  • indie
    commented 2020-01-09 20:34:03 -0800
    Alison, they want to stuff us with drugs. Everywhere, all the time for anything. I want to feel the pain of the loss and the way I cope is by going full throttle in order to keep myself from getting sucked down as often as my emotions still might like to take me. I so appreciate your writing. Your writing always confirms I am not crazy and am doing what I can when I can while I wait to join my husband. The biggest difference between me and some others is I am so ready to leave earth. I do what I can here now but I’ll be glad when it happens. You are a gifted writer. Thank you for sharing your process of honoring the love you and Chuck had.
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2020-01-09 00:54:36 -0800
    good on you allison i love your posts and as a mature age (73) medical social worker i applaud you for not accepting meds you don’t need them going by your posts. your posts make me smile ! which is a good thing so thank you and keep on travelling would love to see your film when it is finished.
    cheers and travel safe
    julie -australia
  • Sharon Moriarty
    commented 2020-01-08 05:49:56 -0800
    Anxiety is a fear based emotion. So if you believe in the power of Love to solve all. How can you feel anxiety? Love trusts in God’s Will to set all things right. Anxiety means you don’t trust!