I've reached a major point along this widowhood road. Arrived, so to speak.
At least, in my mind, I have.
I'm in the state of Confusion. And I'm kind of okay with it, in the midst of nothing being okay any longer.
I'm not fighting any emotion that comes my way.
Good, bad, indifferent and everything in between.
I picture myself, at times, as one of the ping pong games at a video arcade.
Ping! I go here. Ping! I go there.
I have a plan of sorts in my mind, but my energy level has just never returned from what it was before my world collapsed.
A dr recently diagnosed me with anxiety. A dermatologist dr, mind you. I went to her because I've had incessant itching over most of my body since summer time, and the rashes have done a job on my skin.
My first reaction to her words was upset; I've done all the work I've done with this fucking grief and 6.5 years later I get told my skin is reacting to anxiety?
Her follow up was a list of medications that I should consider adding to my vitamins on a daily basis.
At which point, I said to myself, fuck no!
I don't need to numb myself more than I am, thank you. I don't need to feel any emptier than I do, thank you again.
Yes, I feel confused about life a whole lot of the time. Yes, I struggle with enthusiasm and interest in events. All the stuff you know about from your own experience.
But I also have a rich fantasy life in my head, and I'm good with that. I go out and do all kinds of new shit and meet new people, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm starting counseling tomorrow with another therapist. This one is widowed also, I discovered.
On the intake forms that I've already filled out for her, one of the questions was What are your strengths?
I wasn't shy at all in responding; I'm determined and full of grit and I believe in the power of Love and Love is my super power because I learned how to love from a beautiful man who called me his wife. And I learned how to love a man with all that I am.
You know what I'm doing with any fucking anxiety that I have?
I'm making a fucking documentary about my life on the road for these last 6 plus years, that's what I'm doing. I'm putting all that Love on film and I'm taking it around the country and showing it in every venue I can, to as many people as I can.
I'm creating my own legacy.
Anxiety holds no power over my Odyssey of Love.