I miss our connection to one another. When your spouse dies, it feels like you are undergoing an amputation without any anesthetic. Their absence is felt on a Soul level. And, learning to live without them breaks you in places you didn’t know existed.
Over time, a natural, graceful interdependence developed between us. Together, we carefully crafted a secure, and easy comfortableness. Mike was able to read my body language like a well worn book. I miss being perused like this. Our daily exchanges were cozy and predictable. Our interactions were snug. We proceeded through life together performing well rehearsed rituals with ease and grace. I loved moving through life with him beside me. And, now, without him, I miss being so intimately connected to another human being. I miss my life partner to the depths of me.
Witnessing our Souls sync was magical;
And, even more, our connection was something extraordinary to be a part of.
Not surprisingly, it is something that isn’t easily unlearned or reestablished.
Clearly, creating a new relationship with my dead fiance will take time to craft.
All through the day, and long into the night Mike and I were connected - in both small and significant ways. As a couple, we were constantly attached mentally or physically; and at the best of times we were both. With time and repetition, our intimate and notable connections ran deep into our psyches. We were not necessarily separate and distinct from one another. Our Souls became entwined as we fell in love. The lines between us became increasingly blurred as we built our life together. And, now that Mike has died, I’ve had to learn how to become independent from him.
Physically, I’ve been forced to “uncouple” from him.
Emotionally and socially I’ve had to readjust my perspective and behaviour.
And, mentally, I’ve been required to redefine my identity.
I’ve spent hours questioning:
Who am I? Who am I without him? Who am I because of him?
None of these tasks are easy; nor have they been fully completed by me.
In truth, I will never completely disconnect from him.
And, that's okay with me.
With time, I am slowly learning to LIVE inside this new life of mine. I’m getting more comfortable with myself. And, I am confident about who I am becoming. She is a woman I like - a lot.
Recently, I have begun creating makeshift plans about the future. And, I’m actually excited about these plans. This is a big deal because for nearly two years I have been completely underwhelmed with my life. I am constantly thinking about things and until recently I was not able to maintain any consistent "plan" about the future. But, now, I do have a makeshift plan that I can live with. Finally, I am starting to have hopes and dreams for my future again, and this feels good. It's been so long since I've felt this way that it feels a unfamiliar to me. My future will be very different than the one I imagined, but I can not change this. The life I thought I'd be living died with Mike.
This said, I acknowledge that someday I will likely share my future with another man.
Hopefully, he will become “my person”.
I know that,
He can not and will not replace Mike.
He will not be the same.
He will be different in all sorts of good ways.
And, I know,
This new person,
when he comes along, will be exactly who I need.
In time, my heart can love again, even though it’s broken.
And, I also know that even if I find a new person, my Soul will continue to crave my connection to Mike. My yearning for him may change. It may grow softer, but it will never altogether leave me. A piece of me will always want back what I lost when he died because when your life’s companion dies you lose both your lover and your friend.
You lose your champion.
You lose the person who adores you - most.
You lose your travel companion.
You lose your financial partner.
You lose your co-parent.
You lose your domestic partner.
You lose your planned and shared future.
And, you lose a piece of yourself when you lose your physical connection to them.
But, as I’m learning, when you lose your connection to them, you gain a stronger connection to yourself.