Cole turns 3

cole.jpgMy youngest son just turned three! Birthdays are always a fun time for our family, it’s a time to come together and really celebrate life. Last year for his second birthday I didn’t do it as big as I normally do. I was still in a very dark state, I knew I had to celebrate his birthday but honestly I didn’t want to. So this year I made sure to make it special. We got a water slide and cooked out. He was so excited, I think this was the first year he really understood what was happening.

Birthdays are also a time of reflection. You look back on the year and see how much they have grown. You remember all the amazing things they did. And you try to understand how another year as past so quickly. 

IMG_1299.JPGI came to a realization this birthday my son has been living without his dad longer than he knew him. Cole was only give a small amount of time with Joey, one year and eight months to be exact. It’s just heartbreaking when you think about it. They had such an incredible bond, they were torn from the same cloth. And he was just taken away from him. He was only allowed to celebrate one birthday with him. All of his milestones in life his daddy will miss.

I think for my kids my grief is so much heavier. I don’t always know what the right thing to do or say is. I don’t want them to be sad but I also don’t want them to forget him. Cole will only know his daddy through pictures and our memories we share with him. He will never know him in 3D and will always be past tense to him.

You watch your kids grow and blow their birthday candles out and wonder what they wish for. But my wish will always be the same, a wish that will never be fulfilled but your heart can’t help its desires. Just one more birthday with their daddy. 

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  • Jessica Milling
    commented 2016-10-05 18:08:17 -0700
    This embodies so much of how i feel. i lost my husband and he left behind 3 beautiful children. 9, 4 and 1. My daughter was only 15 months when he died suddenly in a vehicle accident on his way to work. I would have never imagined he wouldnt make it to her 2nd birthday in a million years. I mean good people get to have good lives right?? Going on 8 months without him..still so surreal. Life shattering and heart breaking in every way to have to endure and grieve for the life that we would have had..if he had not died. Sending you much love and vibes for strength.
  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2016-09-27 00:20:03 -0700
    We lost Tony two months before my son’s 13th birthday. This year I packed him off to college. He is so like his dad in so many ways, but they are ways he will never really know. It’s true, where kids are concerned grief is so much more intense and complex. Sending you hugs.
  • Laura Shepherd
    commented 2016-09-26 20:22:50 -0700
    Sending ((HUGS)). My son was a young baby too when his Daddy died (He’s 7 now!) and I know the feeling of seeing your child grow up only through your eyes and the pain not being able to share all the milestones together. It’s a very lonely feeling. Though as the years passed I have noticed the “nature vs nurture” theory and my son has his Daddy’s quirks and personality traits and looks just like him too! He does ask about his Daddy all the time now and wishes he could have him (or even just a Daddy) which is heartbreaking to hear and really makes me shake my fist at life. Thanks for writing this and Happy Birthday to your little man! <3