Closer

Lately, Im feeling a strangeness that is stranger than my normal daily strange. 

I keep finding ways to make you feel closer. 

Its like, I cant seem to find a way for you to feel close to me, nearby, present, in the way that I want. 

Maybe it's because Im in a happy and loving relationship, and Im feeling delayed thoughts of guilt for that. 

Or sadness, that you and I never got to this place. 

This place of planning out a place to live together (you moved right into my apartment, and you died before we could ever move anywhere else.)

This place of coming into our older years, and thinking about things such as retirement and our long-term futures. Saving money so we will be okay. 

I don't know what it is, honestly. 

But lately, I feel this overwhelming and heavy sadness, that you are not here. 

And Im finding it harder to feel you here, in the ways in which I normally DO feel you here. 

What was once natural, now feels like a struggle, lately. 

To conjure you up in my heart, and feel that  few moments of comfort from the knowing that you still exist somehow. 

I still know it. 

But I am having trouble connecting to it, feeling it. 

Is this what happens when too much time goes by? 

Is this distance going to get further and further away? 

I sure hope not. 

I have always said that I can live with this whole "you being dead" thing, 

as long as I can still keep you in my life, and feel that you are always part of things, and find ways to feel you here. 

I do that in so many ways. I talk about you. I tell our story. I WROTE our story, and you can find it on Amazon, for crying out loud! 

So many ways I have found to keep you near. 

And yet, 

recently, 

Im struggling to feel you near me as I move into this new phase in my life. 

As I look toward a new job path, figure out my living situation, and get deeper into my new, great love story. 

I know you approve. I know you would love who I have chosen for me. Part of me believes that you helped me choose him. 

That you helped me to find him. 

 

But lately, I feel desperately far from you. 

Its like those early, terrifying days of grief, where I would often grab your ashes, and curl up in your recliner chair, holding them and sobbing. 

Or I would drive out into the middle of nowhere, and just scream or cry as loud as I could. 

 

Ive been thinking lately about taking up the guitar. 

Ive always wanted to. You tried to teach me many times. I didnt have the patience. 

I miss you strumming your guitar, and I miss singing to the sound of you strumming. 

We had such a huge music connection together. 

Maybe I feel guilty because my love and I also share a music connection. 

Its different than how we shared music, because everything is different, but its just as connected and powerful. 

And Im more than sure that is how its supposed to be. 

 

I kept two of your guitars. 

I knew, somewhere inside me, that one day I would want to learn to play them. 

We are both lefties. 

It just makes sense. 

I can sing and play and feel you close, in the rhythms of the music. 

That is where our story lies. 

THere is a thing that exists where you can have ashes/cremation put into the strings and neck of a guitar. 

It sounds a little bit crazy, 

and a lot of beautiful. 

I think I may do that, with your electric guitar. The one I bought you for Christmas that year. 

This way, we can play music together again. 

And you will be 

a little bit

Closer. 


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  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-04-20 19:19:31 -0700
    Wow, just wow. You have a way of putting into words the exact way I feel about things, but don’t know how to say them. It’s comforting to read that others are going through similar things. Thank you.