Catastrophic Compensation

I’ve tried to write more about the good things in life recently but every week brings a new strange situation that results in processing new thoughts and difficult emotions. What does one think when they are given inheritance?

So many people are gifted property and money as their older family and friends pass away. It’s understood that each new generation gets a little lift from the ones before. Passing away at an old age allows for the ones left behind to process the loss as it comes closer. That death, albeit hard, is expected. Therein lies the trap for those of us whom have lost someone out of phase. Sudden loss or early loss due to illness steals our one chance to collect the time and memories of a life long lived. So when life starts to settle after the loss, the remaining possessions are passed around -  Inheritance. Inherently designed to help after loss as a loving gift, inheritance takes on another form for those of us with an early loss.

Yesterday I received an inheritance check from Tin’s mom. I knew it was coming. I knew the amount. I knew it was Tin’s last wish to help me continue on by myself without worrying how I’d pay for the basics in life without him. Seeing that envelope caused relief and a sickening feeling in my stomach. It makes sense why I would feel relief but why the sinking feeling? That check feels like the Universe trying to compensate for what it took from me. As if it would be ok for someone to come into your home, take items and leave a check while you're out at the grocery store. You come back and feel violated yet there is a trade on the table that is supposed to make it all ok. It feels cheap. It does make my life easier but it, in no way, does not begin to compensate for taking Tin.

So I have no choice but to cash the check and pay my debt all while feeling like I’m accepting the payoff that Death has sent for its debt. Cashing the check does not clear the Universe of its egregious act against me but I have no choice when the ultimate Judge makes the final ruling…

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