I’m approaching 40 yrs old this coming November. My 39th year was, by far, the worst I have ever had. My father passed away in June of 2017. Four months later my partner of 4 yrs was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. All of those dreams were taken as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday. I’m very much alone in a sleepy beach town we moved to only 2 years ago. Yeah I have some friends but not a circle of friends to help me through the days and all of my family lives up in Boston. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have. Is it just how life goes or does everything happen for a reason? If it is for a reason then I often wonder what I did to deserve this punishment….I can’t stop wondering that one unanswerable question….Why?
I’ve had very few visitors since Tin passed away. I don’t know if the reason is avoidance, being unsure of how I’ll be with guests or just that life goes on and we become too busy for the little things. Approaching the first anniversary of Tin’s passing, as the warmer month’s and spring break approaches, I’m starting to get the calls to stop in for a weekend.Read more