I’m approaching 40 yrs old this coming November. My 39th year was, by far, the worst I have ever had. My father passed away in June of 2017. Four months later my partner of 4 yrs was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. All of those dreams were taken as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday. I’m very much alone in a sleepy beach town we moved to only 2 years ago. Yeah I have some friends but not a circle of friends to help me through the days and all of my family lives up in Boston. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have. Is it just how life goes or does everything happen for a reason? If it is for a reason then I often wonder what I did to deserve this punishment….I can’t stop wondering that one unanswerable question….Why?
The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By definition, freedom means you are not enslaved or forced to act or be a certain way. You are not trapped. Of course, for the USA freedom means all of those things to show our independence. Interesting, that word freedom, because it is purely based on one’s perception of the situation.Read more
So I’ll finally share with you that when Clayton passed away I was terrified of the insecurity and my financial stability. I had no idea what to do and the thought of getting a third job (because grief is my second job) was overwhelming.
At the time, my sister had started using essential oils and had just started sharing them with her friends and was able to earn a little money on the side. In her desire to help after Clayton’s death, she sent me some of their products and I began resting better. It also gave me something I could focus on and learn about. So my sister, being amazing, said “Let’s do this business together. You can do as little or as much as you want.”
I was hesitant for all the reasons someone could have been but I was at rock bottom and this was the only rope being thrown down to me. I said yes, grabbed the rope and started to climb. That was a little over a year ago. I have worked hard at my own pace and that hard work has paid off financially enough for me to cover the bills. Not millions of dollars but no grandiose dream was ever promised to me. No rug has been pulled out from under me and everything has been straightforward and legitimate. No I’m not going to name the company, this isn’t a sales pitch. This is part of my journey through widowhood and if I didn’t share then I wouldn’t be honest. And since the importance of sharing is the point of this week’s post..
Since Clayton had passed, I held many things in. Let’s be honest, I held and hid many things while I cared for him. I didn’t want him to see me upset and I buried those feelings. I didn’t share with many because I had to be strong but, since his passing, the need for the emotional dam doesn’t exist and the dam is starting to crumble. If I don’t share, that dam will break and so will I. As hard as it is, I need to share my story because that is my Why. Why I can go on.Read more