Bryan Martin

I’m approaching 40 yrs old this coming November. My 39th year was, by far, the worst I have ever had. My father passed away in June of 2017. Four months later my partner of 4 yrs was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. All of those dreams were taken as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday. I’m very much alone in a sleepy beach town we moved to only 2 years ago. Yeah I have some friends but not a circle of friends to help me through the days and all of my family lives up in Boston. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have. Is it just how life goes or does everything happen for a reason? If it is for a reason then I often wonder what I did to deserve this punishment….I can’t stop wondering that one unanswerable question….Why?


A Reset of the Mindset

So the feelings are the same, just as intense but not as often and demanding. I miss Clayton every day but the immediate sting when the thoughts rush forward is milder with time. My eyes still water each day but there are more days of laughter than tears. The dust has settled and now I’m feeling unsettled. A year ago I feared I would have to move out of the apartment that Tin and I shared. People don’t realize that when you become a widow most often times your finances flip. Your household income drops but all the same responsibilities are there. We, the widowed, are billed for our loss. As if life isn’t taxing already.

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Some Thing Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and I’m Blue

Last weekend I was at a close friends wedding. I loved the people, the venue and the time away from my regular hectic schedule. On a beautiful hill at a colonial inn in rural New Hampshire, we all gathered under three towering maple trees to watch two friends join together.

 

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  • commented on Widow's Roast 2018-08-28 12:02:21 -0700
    Omg! Mike, that was friggin’ hysterical!!!! Unfortunately, you’ll have to get used to me making you look bad. It’s good for you to think more about my needs than your own. It makes you a better wingman when we grab a beer. What can I say except you’re welcome? 💁🏼‍♂️

  • commented on Navigating My New Normal 2018-06-20 19:54:20 -0700
    Thank you everyone for your support. I appreciate the support and advice. I made it through the wedding with a few new invisible bruises but I’m continuing on my journey. Glad to have you all here with me…