Bryan Martin

I’m approaching 40 yrs old this coming November. My 39th year was, by far, the worst I have ever had. My father passed away in June of 2017. Four months later my partner of 4 yrs was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. All of those dreams were taken as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday. I’m very much alone in a sleepy beach town we moved to only 2 years ago. Yeah I have some friends but not a circle of friends to help me through the days and all of my family lives up in Boston. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have. Is it just how life goes or does everything happen for a reason? If it is for a reason then I often wonder what I did to deserve this punishment….I can’t stop wondering that one unanswerable question….Why?


The Grief Summit

I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I could say I’ve been busy but really it is because I didn’t feel inspired to write. Writing for me is very specific. I have to feel I need to write to portray an aspect of my life that might help another. I don’t want to just write anything to have something written. There is an emptiness to that method. There was another reason hanging in the shadows and distracting me from being in the moment. I was gearing up for a professional conference that I was going to present at. Was it the presentation? No and yes. The last time I saw all of these people was 2 years ago when Tin was texting me he thought he had the flu. I wish he had gone to the doctor right than but he waited for me to get home. There is unnecessary guilt here, regardless if it is warranted, it is here. Had I only been home, had I only picked a career that didn’t take away valuable time from him. Had I only solved it sooner than he would be here and I wouldn’t be headed to a grief summit.

 

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  • commented on The Grief Summit 2019-09-15 18:12:16 -0700
    Thank you Kelley Lynn. Putting it down on “paper” is hard but if it helps someone else even the tiniest bit than the process is worth it. <3 <3 <3

  • commented on Widow's Roast 2018-08-28 12:02:21 -0700
    Omg! Mike, that was friggin’ hysterical!!!! Unfortunately, you’ll have to get used to me making you look bad. It’s good for you to think more about my needs than your own. It makes you a better wingman when we grab a beer. What can I say except you’re welcome? 💁🏼‍♂️

  • commented on Navigating My New Normal 2018-06-20 19:54:20 -0700
    Thank you everyone for your support. I appreciate the support and advice. I made it through the wedding with a few new invisible bruises but I’m continuing on my journey. Glad to have you all here with me…