Breaking Home

If you’ve been following the slow-motion event that is the foreclosure on my home here in Hawaii, there is an update. The commissioner who was appointed to handle the auction did a site inspection today. I am waiting to hear the dates for the two open houses she is required to hold, probably in November. Soon after that, auction will be scheduled and held. After it is confirmed that it was sold by the court…that’s it. We vacate.


Even though I knew it was coming, I still collapsed in tears today. This has been my home for 16 years…12 of them happy years with my husband. And I am grateful I’ve had nearly five more, and much of that time has been shared with my boyfriend…who is being extremely gracious, generous and supportive, by the way.


It hurts. It all hurts. Leaving the place infused with Mike’s energy…the only home my dogs have known…all the memories…and yet, I know in my heart it’s time to move on. Time to go forward in life, take what I’ve learned, take my memories and stake out a new chapter.


Doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean it doesn't hurt. Depending on what size rental we can find in Kona that will take dogs, I may or may not be staying a few more months. Because it’s not just that I feel my future lies elsewhere, in a place with more opportunity, and closer to family. It’s that my family really needs me right now. My dad is in assisted living due to his dementia, and mom is alone in the house, and alone dealing with him and all that means. All that totally sucks too.


I have so many decisions to make. What to keep, what to sell. What to leave behind. In the end though, stuff is stuff. Leaving behind my boyfriend and my dogs, and this place with so many memories of Mike, will be hardest. His career is here, so what happens with us remains to be seen. So yes, our hearts are breaking.


Four years and almost eight months after Mike’s death, I’m still dealing with the transition. I realize now that it could be that the rest of my life will be this way. I will never stop transitioning from a place of loss. On the other hand, I will admit that I feel much stronger now than I did four years ago. I have come back to myself in many ways. I could never have done this two years ago. Its hard now…it would have been harder then.


Someday, when all is settled at least out of limbo land, I will sit in my new space with a glass of wine and ponder what I’ve been through and how I got from here to there.


But until then, I can only look towards the hard work, both physical and emotional, that I will have to go through until I get there.


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  • commented 2017-10-16 21:44:36 -0700
    Lisa- funny how widowhood relates to boot camp…or not so much, maybe. Unfortunately it’s not an eight week program, but just keeps happening and happening. I love the encouraging quote though and will surely use it myself!!
    Cathy- Cathy, your experience nails it too: never ending boot camp. And leaving a space you have had for so long is heart-wrenching. I try to think of the new and good, but sometimes, it is really just so hard.
  • commented 2017-10-14 10:37:20 -0700
    Stephanie, I can’t believe how our lives are parallel once again. I am in the midst of vacating lake property that has been in my family for almost 60 years. Purging the garage this week, holding tight to all the tools my Dad once used. This transition has been going on since my husband died 7+ years ago, and like you, I wonder if it will ever end. I’m thinking not. Best to you in all your decisions, none are easy, no matter how long of time you have to ponder them.
  • commented 2017-10-12 23:02:35 -0700
    My heart breaks for you. So much change and so many hurdles in the road. My first week of boot camp the chaplain spoke to all of us about the intense physical training and all the marching and running. He said when it got really tough, and you didn’t think you could move your feet another step, to just say “Lord, if you’ll keep picking them up, I’ll keep putting them down”. That memory has kept me going more times in the last 6 years than I can count. Hugs to you from Seattle.