Blurred Lines

Grief is hard. There is no denying that. There are things that are so obviously associated with grieving that I know will be difficult: anniversaries, birthdays, things that remind me of Mike and the list can go on. When those moments happen (or are soon going to happen) and I feel upset or angry or sad I can clearly attribute it to grief. It almost makes me satisfied to be able to classify it. “Ah, it would have been our wedding anniversary and I’m pissed he’s not here.” I know why I am feeling the way I am. It’s grief. I can give myself the grace to go easy on myself and let myself experience whatever emotion it is I need to feel.

The more difficult part is when I just feel sad, angry, or upset and I don’t know exactly why. Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing anything at all. I may just want my bed or I may cry over something that doesn’t seem significant. Is that still grief? I’m not necessarily crying about Mike but I still just feel sad or alone or whatever. I didn’t ever use to do that or feel that way so intensely before Mike died. Can it still be grieving? Is it something more? Is it normal to just have bad days for no reason? Is it for no reason? I just don’t know.

In my third year, I feel the lines are so much more blurred between what exactly is grief. It seems there are less moments that stab me sharply and quickly and more times that I just feel down for seemingly no apparent reason. It’s like grief has seeped it’s way into everything. It won’t be compartmentalized into it’s neat little grief box. It wants to be in my life when and where it wants without fully identifying itself. It seems to show itself more and more as just general sadness. I try to be proactive and positive but I can’t be that way all the time. It’s very frustrating.

I wish I had an answer but I don’t. I wish that it would stop but it doesn’t. I wish I was better at this “widow thing”  but I’m not. I’m tired. I’m still grieving. I’m sad. I’m still a mix of all of it including the blurred lines in-between.

 


Showing 2 reactions

Please check your e-mail for a link to activate your account.
  • Colette Perfit
    commented 2018-09-29 13:43:04 -0700
    At 13 months this is so true for me. The “grief has seeped its way into everything “ is a brilliant description of how I am feeling in my everyday life. Moments of happiness, yes, sometimes, like carrying a bucket with holes in it. It can get filled but then slowly seeps out and we are left empty again after trying and trying. It’s excruciating and exhausting and at the end of the day, just plain sad.
  • April
    commented 2018-09-27 18:12:02 -0700
    Olivia, thank you, this post articulates perfectly, where I am at 23 months, and things I haven’t known how to define or describe lately. Just yesterday I wasn’t totally sure if it was grief I have been feeling, I just know I feel sad and wonder if I have depression, never having had that before. But I just know that the source must be grief rooted in this strange life now and in missing my husband. It is just harder to identify as grief, strangely. I feel frustrated that I can’t be more cheerful, especially for people who try so hard to cheer me up. I love them so much for trying but I don’t know how to `make` myself feel better inside. I don’t want to get in the `habit` of feeling down, either. This is all so tricky, isn’t it? Blurred lines, indeed. Thanks again.