Summer Has a Feel ...

Summer has a feel,

for all who love it's rays

of sunshine 

family vacations 

lounging by the pool

warm nights with just a twist

of warm breezes. 

 

Ice-cream dripping 

down the cone, 

car rides with the top down, 

and tunes blasting. 

Carefree and endless guilt-free hours, 

sipping on tall iced-teas. 

 

Summer has a feel

of drive-in movies

and walking the dog

in the park

with Italian ices or lemonades,

to stay cool. 

Staying up late,

road trips and reunions,

graduation parties 

and weddings. 

Flip-flops and 

water parks

and 

looking at the stars. 

 

 

 

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Generations of 'Love'

No one tells you, or really talks about how boring parenting can be.  Everyone loves to talk about all the fun stuff kids do.  It’s easy to talk about the fiery, youthful enthusiasm that makes them entertaining.  It’s fun to talk about children being silly and pretending to be animals.  There is nothing cuter than watching a 6-year-old hop around like a bunny, or a frog, but for me, it would be nice if parents would discuss the hard stuff more.

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Thinking, and Overthinking~

What do you think about happiness?

The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean.

And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person?

Do you even know what it means in this life after?

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Hola Amigo

Hey man,

Well, it’s that time of year again.  I’m here in Texas, with Sarah and Shelby, to celebrate you.  This is what, year...five for me? That seems crazy. We went to your grave today, and it’s I guess looking good as ever.  The little heart shaped rocks, the trinkets...the helicopters; they’re all still there. Your mom had some pretty nice flowers set up too.  Lilies, I think. I dunno. I’m pretty sure you don’t care all that much, considering that it’s been 7 years, and your loved ones are still making it a point to come by and “tidy up”.  

Anyway, you should have seen it tonight.  Your parents are totally loving having Shelby around.  Playing ping-pong with her, your mother showing Shelby around her business, rendering Peanut both in awe of all of the scientific equipment, and speechless, your dad and I telling “dad jokes” to her, and even letting her drive the farm vehicles around.  It’s almost like Shelby is their granddaughter.

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Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks

I’m sitting in Mike’s spot at the kitchen table.

Wondering how to put my love for this man into words.

As I’m sitting here,

I can’t help but notice that he’s everywhere in this house.

Once upon a time, he sat in this same chair I’m sitting on now.

 

I notice that my elbow is on the table and I am cupping my cheek in my hand

-exactly like Mike used to do as he sat here, occupying this very same spot.

I remember his wine glass used to be where mine is right now.

There are echoes of him everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

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Pieces of Me

Right at this very moment, my new fiance Mike and daughter Shelby are visiting my late-fiance's family in Texas. We have been here before. We spent Christmas with them in fact this past year. It still is so strange and surreal and beautiful to me how this all works. Mike and I stay in Drew’s old bedroom. Shelby sleeps in his sister’s old room. And we spend all this time hanging out with his family, in their house, with all of their memories. All of the memories of my old life. Somehow it just all works. It just all blends in this wonderful way - all based off love.

One of the most surreal experiences of this is having Mike’s daughter Shelby here… and how excited she is to come to Drew’s parents ranch to see all the animals. To see the cactus and scorpions and the beaches on Padre Island - my hometown. It’s so awesome getting to be the one to expose her to the state I grew up in and all the things I love.

It’s sometimes hard to know that I get so little time to share with her the things I grew up with in my life since we live so far away. Sometimes I wish so much I could share more of my own world with them, for longer. But when we do come down, and I do get to share with them this life that was my life, that was a life I shared with Drew, and a life I lived even long before I met him… it feels so good. It feels so beautiful and rewarding and loving and amazing. I don’t know any other way to say it besides, I feel so safe and secure in this world in a way I don’t when I’m not in Texas. I just feel grounded here.

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Return to Sender

So you are having a great day. Your future is brightening. The birthday of your passed person is on the horizon so you book two trips to help you through the day and allow yourself to get away and enjoy life.

You don’t want to be alone and think of the 43 candles he won’t be blowing out with you this year. You don’t have to stress about finding the right birthday present but you also don’t get to see his face when his eyes light up as he pulls away the wrapping paper.  You want to acknowledge the deep emptiness of the day but you know he would want you to go out and celebrate. He will be there with you. You may not see him but you will feel his presence and know he is there celebrating with you. Your excitement builds with something to look forward too. Finally you have the big boat before the storm hits. You’ve begun to prepare.

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When You Love Again...

When You Love Again, 

after life-altering loss - 

everything inside of you, 

freezes 

in terror,

that you will again wake up,

to the very real nightmare,

of a world

where all of it

has disappeared. 

 

When You Love Again, 

after death has stolen your other life, 

and your partner - 

you fear looking forward

or toward the future,

because the minute you do, 

it all might come crumbling down, 

and you will be left, 

Alone. 

With the wreckage. 

 

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Random Widower Thoughts

Sometimes, okay, let’s be honest, more often than sometimes, it feels like the best part of my life is over.  She is gone.  She is gone. And, she is gone.  However, at the same time It feels like this is the best part of my life because I get to raise a fantastic daughter.  Even though I know that it would be so, so much better if Natasha were still here, there is something magical about this time in my life.  I just need to figure out how to work from home, and then things will be easier.  Being diagnosed as being visually impaired doesn’t have to be a huge hindrance like losing my wife.  But at the same time, come on!  How many challenges do I have to face back to back!

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This Uncertain Terrain~

This landscape of widowhood.

Of grief.

The Alaskan tundra.

The Sahara Desert.

The Austrailian Outback.

Every side road in between cities and towns.

 

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