Small Screen Surprises

I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company.  All of us are working a side business together with a big company and doing very well.  The company had recently reached out to me and asked me to host a local event. What an honor and what an amazing time. Tin would have loved all of it.

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National Widows Day is a Thing

Today is National Widows Day. 

There is also something called International Widows Day. 

The purposes of both of these days is to A: acknowledge widowed people B: be kind to widowed people C: spread awareness about how widowhood affects a persons life, and how, in some parts of the world, widows are even looked down upon or in danger. 

So, I do understand why these days exist. 

But, they also make me feel really awkward. 

Like, "Hi, Im a widow. This is my day! Please be nice to me today. "

I feel as if perhaps I should put on my black veil, pet some cats, knit some afghans, and act extra weepy today. 

 

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Questions. For Myself. For Others~

What does one do, 6 years after being widowed?

Where do we stand?

What does life mean in the here and now?

Does the future finally carry meaning for us?

Or is life simply one filled with questions?

About ourselves, our lives, the life we lived, the life we have to live in the without...

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Titles

Sarah and I are planning our wedding, taking place next year.  Vaguely, it is going to be somewhat informal, in the sense that the traditional rehearsal, church, event hall, catering, DJ, etc are either going to not be a part of it, or otherwise substituted in a more unique way.

I’ve helped plan a wedding before.  14 years ago, Megan and I were “locked in” so to speak, by May.  Our wedding was in August, and everything was booked, arranged, planned, and scripted.  Invitations were not only sent out, but most RSVPs had been received. We had spent 6 months already getting everything in order. (Because of her health situation, all of it was somewhat “accelerated” from the traditional year of planning).

The point is, I’ve personally done this before.  Most widows have. I have the benefit of a happy memory of doing half the work of planning a wedding, followed by a happy memory of nine years after the fact.

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Who I used to be...

I wrote about how it felt to be his girl.  I tried to express what I think Mike felt for me. But, really, the feelings between us were bigger than any words I can write.  Our Souls fell into one another.  And, there is no recovering from a love like this.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to live the rest of my life with all this missing. 

Today, I went to the grave and knelt on the grass and missed him with all my heart.  I cried and I cried and I kissed his headstone.  None of this helped.  I miss him and there is nothing that can “fix” this aching inside me.

 

Godspeed to me, to you and to us all as we try to find our way through this mess.

~S.

 

 

 

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A New Beginning

This past week I started something new that I feel both a little bit nervous about but also really hopeful about. I finally signed on to be a regional Soaring Spirits group leader here in Northeast Ohio. I’ve been sitting on this idea for over a year now. In part, for my own reasons… I have very few friends nearby since moving to Ohio. Each year, going to Camp Widow in Toronto, I remember how wonderful that kind of community feels, and how much I’d like to have some piece of that community here locally. I also know, I’m not alone there. I know there’s plenty of other folks who could use the very same thing.

So I finally signed up to lead the regional group here, with hopes that we can grow a wonderful, kind, supportive, fun group. This is a new part of me… I’ve never really been one to be part of organizations or larger communities. I’ve certainly never been one to lead things. But widowhood has changed that some. It’s helped me to realize we all have the ability to lead each other, guide each other, and help each other - even if we don’t have all the answers. It’s helped me to see that we heal better when we heal together.

Being a part of the widowed community has helped me to become more confident and realize that we are all so capable of helping one another on this journey… simply by being there.

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Welcome Back Grief

 It has been almost 4 ½ years since Natasha left us, and finally, it feels as though the grief is passing.  Yet, every now and then it I think that it is over, that the grief is over—but then certain thoughts start to resurface, This is not fair, why does life have to be so hard, and why are other people’s lives so much easier!

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Things That Matter

Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways. 

I am more empathetic. 

I am more sympathetic. 

I am less judgemental of people's lives and situations and circumstances. 

I listen better. 

I stop to talk with people more. 

I find more meaning and beauty in very tiny things. 

I exist in the moment more. 

I love profoundly and deeply. 

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6 Years of Tired~

This isn't going to be an upbeat blog.

No apologies for that, but fair warning.

I don't have it in me today.

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Boilerplate Questions

If nothing else, 5 years down the road, I still have many questions and few answers.  The amount and content of said questions only grows with time. Many of them are “what-ifs”, and still more are “what-woulds”.  

“What if they hadn’t died?” is the first question for almost everyone.  I can confidently say that it will never be answered definitively. In fact, in the world of multiple-choice answers, the number of choices has increased from A, B, and C, to the point that we’re way through the alphabet, and onto weird, made up characters.  

In Megan’s case, seeing as she had a long-term illness, my second question was “what could I have done differently?”.  It was the guilt setting in. Misplaced, mind you. There was literally nothing I, or anyone else could do that would have prevented a genetic, debilitating mutation from occurring, but my brain asked it constantly for months, nonetheless, and I felt it was somehow my fault.

I still ask question one almost daily, mostly in passing at this point.  I’ve long since accepted that the second question is answered succinctly with a “nothing”, and largely moved on from asking it.

Every so often, however, the “what-ifs” creep back in.  More and more frequently, the “what-woulds” are taking over.

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