Still Helpless

10_12_09.jpgMichelle and I have been doing this widow thing side by side for almost four years. When we met we were both newly widowed, and shell shocked. Each of us watched our dreams for the future unceremoniously demolished as one minute passed into the next. Thrown into a whirlwind of grief we discovered each other in the eye of the storm.

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When Is He Coming Home?

10_11_09.jpgI want to write away the pain. Sometimes I think that's why I write. I know that's why I talk to people, why I spend the energy to explain to them what this process is like. The more I talk the more distance I have from the process. The more distance I have from the process the less like mine it feels. Or the more sense I can try to make of it.

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Refresh

10_10_09.JPGThere are moments where I feel as if I am on an idle screen. It's a screen that am totally aware of what it looks like when it is fully loaded. It's full of memories, strength, perseverance, and a positive outlook that is all fueled off the amazing love I have been given. Yet, with this new journey before me, there are times when the page doesn't fully load.

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moving on, healing and getting over it

10_9_09.jpgI'm sure that as widows, we have all heard these words in some form or other. "You'll get over it one day." "You're young. You'll move on." "Time heals all wounds." And the like. I remember the first time some well-meaning, naive person attempted to instill these words of 'wisdom' upon me. I think I wanted to drop them.

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Perspective and Purpose

10_8_09.JPGThese are two words whose meanings have changed for me since Phil's death. Perspective used to be a word I threw around when I wanted someone else to view a certain topic or situation in a different light. Looking back, I doubt that I worried too much about how I viewed the world around me. Things in my life were pretty black and white, and I liked my goals and plans to be well defined. I know you are laughing right now.

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A Lighter Shade of Blue ....

10_7_09.jpgI, like Michelle, have not thought a lot about my future. It seems to be a very fuzzy grey fog out there somewhere (but hey, it used to be an inky black fog so here's to the color getting lighter!).

But recently, I have caught myself thinking about it. Even making a plan or two. And then I'll realize what I'm doing and stop ..... and be amazed.

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Lordy look who's 40....

10_6_09.JPGNext week is my 40th, hard to believe really. Forty has an odd significance for me. I met my husband when I was 16. When he proposed to me at 22 (we reunited after a couple of years of not seeing each other in college), I remember him telling me I was beautiful....BUT..... Beautiful but what?? "Beautiful", he said, "but I know you'll be stunning when you're 40. I just know it." Interesting to be 40 and he's not around to tell me if I'm stunning in his eyes or not.

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Another Musical Monday

10_5_09.JPGOkay, consider yourself warned about the potential for tears when reading my musical Monday posts. Teary eyed smiles are a good thing, right? Today's song was written, and performed, by a good friend of mine, and has been the background for a few intense moments for me ;)

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Experiencing

10_3_09.jpgDoing things that Michael and I would have enjoyed together was once unthinkable. "If he's not here to enjoy them then I shouldn't" was a philosophy that was stuck in my brain the first months after his passing.

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renovated reactions

10_2_09.JPGOn the day our daughter, Liv, first started preschool, my husband, Jeff, and I dropped her off together. We helped her off with her coat. We put her shoes on the mat. Then, we stared expectantly at her wondering (possibly hoping) if she would start to cry and demand that we stay. She didn't. In fact, Liv told us with thirteen year old form, "You can go NOW." Jeff and I left feeling excited, rather sad and comforted with the camaraderie of parenthood. Both our cellphones sat on the table anticipating an urgent call to come retrieve our distraught daughter while we sat in a coffee shop waiting for her two hours of separation from us to be over.

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