"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." ~Christopher Reeve
There was a time, not really that long ago, when I did not want to choose hope. Possibility was a word that applied to other people, so why would I care about hope?
So the 2 year mark has come and passed. In one 24 hour period I am starting on another year in this new world I live in.
As the angelversary arrives people always seem to ask how I'm doing (Go figure), then the day arrives and it seems as if it was the build up to the day which was the worse. Then the day comes, and it seems like any other day in a way, but I have realized it proved me wrong this year. Its subtle changes show themselves at random moments or in quiet moments of reflection.
Every day I get up at 5 AM, put on my bathrobe and head to the kitchen where I make my first cup of good, strong, coffee. Cup in hand, I return to my bed, slide between the covers and sip, doing my best to make my coffee last as long as possible. I love this time of day. It feels decadent to do nothing but ponder the hours ahead. Now that it is spring, my windows are open and I hear the sounds of the season, mostly cardinals, the occasional very bossy crow, and every 15 minutes or so a foghorn warning the fishing boats of the rocks of Vineyard Sound. And these days my cat Sophie joins me.Read more
It feels as though it doesn't take much to get me tired these days. I could be doing the same tasks I did before, only now, it takes everything out me. I'm exhausted to the core. Emotionally, I'm fine. Physically, I'm spent. I wonder if it'll always be like this... If it'll always take quadruple the strength to get through a day and all that it entails. When I woke up this morning, I thought "I survived." Survived yesterday.Read more
Hi everyone! It's good to be back and I'm thankful to Colleen for taking over for me while I was gone. Interestingly enough, she and I share the same anniversary. It was my second without Jim and I'm not gonna lie.... it was tough.
But I'm still here.
And that's something.Read more
Grayson and I watched the movie "Evan Almighty" this weekend. I've seen it once before, but a certain scene really struck me this time. Morgan Freeman, as God, is explaining to a woman how prayers work. "If you pray for patience, God does not GIVE you patience, but gives you the OPPORTUNITY to be patient." I went to bed with thoughts of my own prayers in my head.Read more
On May 29th my little girl graduated from High School. The ceremony took place in a beautiful garden with an audience full of proud family and friends and an air of hope for the future all around. My mind drifted back to a time in my own life when naivety and optimism were companions I knew well.Read more
There is a Fleetwood Mac song called "Say Goodbye," that has broken my heart repeatedly over the last four years. I have found the concept of saying goodbye to Phil so difficult that I have avoided it like the plague since he died. You see, there are still speed bumps on this road of grief that I have yet to cross over.Read more
Checking the mail. A routine that we all have, some everyday, others a couple of times a week. Today was one of the moments that interrupted an action I did for society’s sake.
I opened my box to find a package. As soon as I saw who the sender was I knew it was from our wedding. I did not know there was video until after Michael was killed, for what reasons I cannot say. When I heard there was film I did not think I would actually ever get a hard copy simply for the reason that it took 2 years for me to know it was even real. I did not know what the pieces of cardboard held inside of it, nor did I know how I would react.
I put it in.Read more
Last week when I was posting to this blog I saw the following quote in the right hand column of the Widows Voice website.
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Albert Camus
Albert Camus died in 1960. His life was not easy. His father died when he was an infant and he was raised in extreme poverty. Camus’s mother was deaf and according to his writings, she was in a state of almost continuous melancholy. Camus himself contracted tuberculosis at age 17.
There lies all of us an “invincible summer”. We all have resources we do not know we have until our lives change in such a way that we must find them.