Ruthless Trust

06_12_09.JPGSometime after Mike's funeral, someone put a book into my hand. The book was Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning.

Although I did not get past chapter one, (I was unable to concentrate long enough to read much at all and I am pretty sure I have a different spiritual leaning than the author), the title spoke to me. It still speaks to me, almost nine years later when life happens differently than I think it should.

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A Journal Entry

06_11_09.jpgI've been glancing at David's journal for the past week. It sits on a special bookshelf in our living room. I used to read it every night before my pathetic attempt at sleep but it's been a while since I've opened the pages. This small, brown, soft leather journal is eminently special to me. His hands have touched every page of the tattered book, on a good day or bad day this journal was his connection to me. His outlet when I couldn't be. Finally, today, I opened it... for the hundredth time.

David's front journal entry, November 24, 2005: 

"Baby, not everything in this book is going to be easy to read. These are my thoughts and feelings. My fears and Love notes. I am going to spill my guts, try to write songs and pour out my heart. When I'm done... this is for you. 

I love you with all my heart, Nicole. 

David Hart."

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Contentment: Again with the Happy Place?

06_09_09_2.JPGThis picture is a narrow, winding street in the village of Stamford, England. It's a gorgeous town of stone buildings, quaint shops, quiet pubs, and lovely sheep fields. I've more than a few memories of the place. I'm not thinking about the little town though as I look at this photo. I'm entranced by the path the road is portraying, and I'm considering what is around the corner.

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I Can't Think About Him ....

06_09_02_1.jpg....for very long.

I find that it's emotionally and physically impossible for me to sit and just think about Jim.  I cannot reflect on memories.

Not yet.

I can only think of him in snatches of time.  And only for a moment.

I wonder if this is how most people deal with grief?

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The Widow Language

06_08_09.JPGThis is me with our awesome Thursday girl (Nicole), and our amazing Saturday girl (Taryn).  We met for sushi in Texas last January, and spent some time together talking widow. Yes, I do think there is a widow language!

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Choosing Hope

06_07_09.jpg

 

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." ~Christopher Reeve


There was a time, not really that long ago, when I did not want to choose hope. Possibility was a word that applied to other people, so why would I care about hope?

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Bring It on Year 3!!

So the 2 year mark has come and passed. In one 24 hour period I am starting on another year in this new world I live in.

As the angelversary arrives people always seem to ask how I'm doing (Go figure), then the day arrives and it seems as if it was the build up to the day which was the worse. Then the day comes, and it seems like any other day in a way, but I have realized it proved me wrong this year. Its subtle changes show themselves at random moments or in quiet moments of reflection.

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My Cat Sophie

06_05_09.JPGEvery day I get up at 5 AM, put on my bathrobe and head to the kitchen where I make my first cup of good, strong, coffee. Cup in hand, I return to my bed, slide between the covers and sip, doing my best to make my coffee last as long as possible. I love this time of day. It feels decadent to do nothing but ponder the hours ahead. Now that it is spring, my windows are open and I hear the sounds of the season, mostly cardinals, the occasional very bossy crow, and every 15 minutes or so a foghorn warning the fishing boats of the rocks of Vineyard Sound. And these days my cat Sophie joins me.

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To Survive...

06_04_09.jpgIt feels as though it doesn't take much to get me tired these days. I could be doing the same tasks I did before, only now, it takes everything out me. I'm exhausted to the core. Emotionally, I'm fine. Physically, I'm spent. I wonder if it'll always be like this... If it'll always take quadruple the strength to get through a day and all that it entails. When I woke up this morning, I thought "I survived." Survived yesterday. 

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Just thinking ....

06_03_09.jpgHi everyone! It's good to be back and I'm thankful to Colleen for taking over for me while I was gone. Interestingly enough, she and I share the same anniversary. It was my second without Jim and I'm not gonna lie.... it was tough.

But I'm still here.

And that's something.

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