Merry Memories

12_24_09.jpgThis Christmas the veil between where Phil is and where I am seems to be much thinner than in years past. Michelle and I once talked about the "feeling" of knowing our husbands were in the room.

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what she would want

choosing_tree.jpgi took maddy to

the same christmas 

tree lot we went

to last year. 

she helped me

pick out a tree,

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Savor the Moments

12_23_09.jpgSometimes it seems that grief wipes out every feeling except despair. Nothing matters, no moment is free of sadness, food doesn't taste good, family time is painful, memories are daggers to the heart, and life does not feel like a gift.

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Making Memories (and a few cookies too!)

12_21_09.jpgIt's that time of year. The time when everything takes on a rosy glow (when you stop rushing around long enough to notice the glow....). The time of year when people smile a bit more, say nicer things to each other, and we are, for just a few days, the people we strive less successfully to be the rest of the year round: generous in thought and deed, kind, forgiving, festive, living in the moment, grateful..the list goes on and on.

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Running With Phil

phil.jpgMy husband LOVED to run. When we first began dating, he was training for the Los Angeles Marathon. At the time I could not imagine why anyone in their right mind would purposely run 26.2 miles, but as a newly in love girl I willingly accompanied Phil on many training runs. 

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A Wary Merry Christmas

12_20_09.JPGI spent last December 22nd in the emergency room, which isn’t necessarily an unusual place for an extremely pregnant woman to be. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to deliver a bundle of joy but rather to find the source of the unrelenting headache that had kept Chris in bed for almost two days.

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Happy Anniversary

12_19_09.jpgDecember 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.

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life without a mirror

12_19_09.jpgI had a dream that I found Jeff. I was so totally overjoyed and so excited that I attempted to jump into his arms. The shock and confusion, even hostility, that he looked at me with was horrifying. He didn't recognize me. He didn't know me anymore.
He scooped up our little ones in a tight embrace and laughed at how they've grown and who they are. They snuggled into his chest and glowed.

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supposed to be

12_18_09.jpgsupposed to be in hawaii

with

liz

this weekend

(fucking reminder popped up on my blackberry the other day to make me feel like shit).

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Coming Out on Top ....

12_16_09.jpgI think I realized this week, for the first time, that I will survive this. Interesting timing, since Friday will be the 2 year deathiversary, but there ya go.

I could not have said that a year ago. I didn't want to survive it. Heck, there are still days that I don't want to survive this, but I know I will.

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