There are many days, weeks and months that the grief that was born after Jeff's death has crippled me. Days that no matter what I do, the sadness and loss steal over me and infect every thought and movement with pain. Weeks where I can feel nothing but the ache that has accompanied this journey and months in which the sorrow manages to reek despite all my attempts to banish it.
But I also have days where I am stuck, floating, unsure of any feeling at all. I know the pain lurks somewhere below. I am aware that I am hurting and broken. But I am unable to feel.
i’ve been hearing
for those of you
who don’t know
.... I really can't. Not about everything, but by a couple of kind of big things, one of which I have no control over whatsoever: my sons and their similarities with their Dad.Read more
These are the faces of a few of the women who celebrated 40 with me in Vegas... interestingly enough, all of them had read last week's blog and were still brave enough to go! Thanks guys! I'm not usually as black as last week, and I think I stirred up a few worries with that post. It is what it is, and most of the people in my life get it, or at least want to. I am very blessed.Read more
When I meet people for the first time I feel like I am keeping a secret from them. Looking at me, they would never guess what I am hiding. I can carry on an intelligent and interesting conversation without revealing the circumstance of which my new acquaintance is unaware. Depending on who they are I may even artfully dodge inquiries that would lead to the revelation of the unknown thing. I have become very good at changing the subject, saving people from embarrassing moments, and steering conversations onto safe territory.Read more
Like Matt, I realize I need to start from the beginning. Art and I were married for 14 years. We have three children. On August 24, 2006 he was diagnosed with Large B Cell Lymphoma, Stage IV, primarily in his lungs. He was an athlete. In March 2007 we were told he was in remission.
We lived apprehensively at first, always fighting right before he had to have tests. Always making love the night before his appointment because we knew he was clear. (Doctors really don't call with good news!)
On January 12, 2009, less than two years of being cancer free, it was discovered that the cancer had returned and was stage IV.Read more
Michael and I always wanted to see the world with each other.
We had it all planned out. After he and I graduated, we would go to Europe and start our travels. From Greece to tropical terrains, we'd see it all (leaving a few places for after retirement) and then head back and start our family.
If I take an inventory of all of Jeff's things that I have clung to, stored for safe keeping or discarded since he died, I realize that to an outsider, these items would seem like random detritus. Debris. Maybe even junk.
I have managed to let go of many of his 'collections'. The plastic Stanley Cups he collected from some fastfood restaurant. A couple of his hats. A few nicknacks.
But there are items that I look at and wonder at the strange eccentricity of my sentimentality.
Our new Thursday blog author is Matt Logelin. His emotional candor and willingness to share his life, and his grief, with millions of people across the globe have made him a media sensation. With appearances on Oprah, The Rachel Ray Show, People Magazine, and over 50,000 blog followers, Matt's widowhood story has mobilized the compassion and generosity of thousands of people around the world. But Matt never loses sight of what is real. His wife, and the mother of his daughter, is dead. And so Maddy and Daddy carry on in the spirit of a love that continues to light their way. Instead of a direct syndication of his blog mattlogelin.com, Widow's Voice will use Matt's words and pictures to tell the story of Matt, Liz and Madeline starting from the day of Madeline's birth.
I had a flashback this week. Out of the blue, as they always come. Knocking me over as only the force of a tsunami wave can.
You know the kind.Read more