Friends Matter

01_11_10.JPGIn my pre-widow life I was fortunate to have lots of friends. We bonded over jobs or kids or committee work or a combination of any/all of these. I knew the value of girlfriends who set you straight when you are weaving a self-destructive path, those who would hold your hair at just the right moment, and the ones with whom I could share my child rearing woes. Each and every one of these unique relationships enriched my life, and I remain grateful for every person that I have called friend.

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A Toast

01_10_10.jpgA peace settled around me this morning that muffled the noise of the day and left me smiling (except when I was trying to get the two kids out the door to pick up the third kid, so we could get the oldest kid to his concert on time) Photo above. 
"It is all good." I kept thinking...and feeling. "I am exactly where I am supposed to be."

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6 Words

I came across this article and video about "6 Word Memoirs" and how they put many people to test on what they would write. The history behind it was explained:

"The six-word memoir is said to be rooted in a bet between Ernest Hemingway and a friend — supposedly, the author claimed he could write a short story in just six words. (He won with “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”)"

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strength and surrender

01_08_10.jpgThese two words, strength and surrender, seem to be at odds with each other. Opposites. Separate.
As a young widow, one of the phrases that I hear so often is "You're so strong!" Throughout this journey, as many of you feel as well, I haven't felt strong. I have often felt weak and lost. I have felt vulnerable and afraid. I have felt that I have given up and been broken.

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our house

01_07_10.jpgas i walked up

the hill today, i stared

at our house…

liz

fucking loved this place.

fell in love with

it the second 

she saw it.

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Tears Still Come ....

01_06_10.JPG..... even when someone new enters your life.

There is no cure for grief.

No answer.

No person.

No miracle.

It must be traveled through.

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I Will Try to Fix You

01_05_10.jpgI love this song and the message it holds. As long as I'm clear on what the word "fix" means to me in this concept. If "fixing" means that I am broken and someone has the magical fairy dust that will make me "happy" and make me "forget", than I don't like this song a bit. On the other hand if "fixing" means you will love me, accept me for who I am and where I have been, than this is a great song. 

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I've Got The Memories

01_03_10.jpgFrom a song from the movie, Prince Caspian. I have heard it many times before.
Tonight I HEARD it.

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2010

Well, it's 2010.

I remember going into 2008 without Michael. It was the first year in which no history or memories would include him, a year in which reality took its place next to me on my throne of grief. It's funny how my mind also worked in ways to revert back to a time when he was still living. I'd sign checks with 2007, set dates with friends on the phone or email with that year... it was, in a way, symbolic of my heart holding on to something not tangible... going into a year with Michael by my side.

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Entering the New Year

01_01_10.JPGGrief has changed my perception of time. Ever since Phil died I have found myself wondering each New Year's Eve where the last year has gone, and some years wondering how I managed to survive the waves and sucker punches that grief delivered on a very regular basis throughout the previous year. And yet I have survived: one year, one month, one day, one minute at a time to find my way in this strange new world missing many of the certainties that provided the basis for life as I once knew it.

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