You have cataracts." my eye doctor declares.

"I what?"

You have cataracts, she says, this time a little more slowly since I obviously don't understand her the first time.

"But I'm 45 years old" I think.

March 24th, 2007-

I sat in my office, blaring music and talking to a fellow Army wife on IM. Wearing my pajamas, which consisted of Michael's basic training sweatshirt, I swirled around on my wooden office chair with the sun creeping through the blinds.

Underneath the rumble of music I hear something...another noise that I soon decipher as a phone ringing.

You were mine.
I am yours.

Until this body,
marked by the love you laid upon it,
In every fold,
The softened belly,
Stretched skin,
Withers,
and in this frailty
Falls and follows you.

Only then,
no longer will I be...yours.
It will be past.
But with you,
In you,
Through you,
I’ll be.

I’ll wait.
A shadow.
Your shadow.
I’ll trail behind you.
A dark ribbon.

But you were mine.
And I am yours.

spent the evening talking

to someone in the same predicament.

sometime during the call

i felt this incredible guilt,

I am in a relationship.

It's been about 5 months now and it's mostly going great.

Mostly.

I am finding that having a relationship while still grieving for what I do not have is very, very difficult.

Of course it's difficult to blend the children. Some of mine are making it WAY difficult.

His (he has been a widower for over 8 years) have been great.

But that's not it.

For the longest time the question that haunted me was: "why him, why not me?" - for a while, the question was more often "why not take me too?". Michele and I used to talk about the big black ship that would come pick us up and carry us away to wherever Phil and Daniel were. I told myself I'd jump on that boat and race away without a second glance.

I always associate the first blooming flowers of Spring with the start of track season. Phil lived for track season in the same way some people live for football season. He attended every live track meet within driving distance of our house(mind you this takes all day), watched professional meets on TV, knew the names and times of world record holders, and could list the types of events and the order in which they would be run in any given track meet. He was also a coach for our community track club, and was set to begin his tenth year of coaching the summer he died. 

“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden

Let me just say how much I love this quote. I really should print it on cards and hand it out to those who make the snide remarks that I will not be able to be happy until I "move on" or somehow refuse to acknowledge the smile on my face when they see no one is standing at my side.

"Life is filled with both love and loss, but love is always stronger." ~unknown

It's the 'little things' can that drive you mad or madly in love.
The way his jaw clicks when he chews. Or the way he tucks your hair behind you ear as he assures you that it will be okay.
The way he feels compelled to tell you how to solve a problem when you're venting.