Choose to Trust

I’ve just returned from Arkansas with Sarah, after a 14 hour drive.  It is with tired eyes that I briefly write this morning, but yet, a deliriously happy heart.  We planned this trip to a tree house in Eureka Springs, AR over a year ago, not long after we met.  Circumstances at the time meant that we needed to book this a year in advance, putting a level of trust in the fact that our relationship would become more than a widowed friendship.

She and Drew had talked of staying in a tree house in this area.  Megan and I would have never fathomed going to Arkansas.  We discussed this at length as we planned the trip, and were still continuing to discuss this, a year later, on our drive home yesterday.  The fact that neither of them were with us in body is indeed significant, yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Did I miss Megan while walking through the town and seeing all of the historic buildings and cool shops?  Certainly.  However, truly thinking about it, I can honestly say that it was more enjoyable with Sarah.  Were there times, like when we sat on the top deck of a century-old hotel overlooking the Ozarks eating pizza that I thought “Megan would love this”?  Absolutely, but Sarah appreciated it more, and I loved it more with Sarah.

It is incredibly difficult to put into words, and even harder to share publicly, but given the choice, I would rather have been on this trip with Sarah than Megan.  That is not based on my love for Megan.  It’s still there, and has not changed at all.  It’s neither grown, or waned since her death.  Simply put, the person I am now is a better fit with Sarah.  The space she holds in my heart is equal to the space Megan holds, yet different, because I am different.  

I made a conscious decision, not to “move on”, but to allow myself to “evolve” after Megan died. I refused to sit and stay the same person I was with her, because she WAS a part of me.  I’m still doing that, and will do that until the day I die.  When I pause to contemplate this, it is hard for me to not think that Sarah and I were meant to be together.  It never has meant that Megan and I were NOT meant to be together for those 12 years, just that life is proceeding as planned.  

I had to simply trust that Megan wouldn’t die any time soon when we were together.  That blind trust is what allowed me to love her wholly and truthfully, making plans for years ahead.  The same trust is placed in Sarah and I’s relationship.  I can live and love without fear of the future because I choose to do so.  

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  • Don Yacona
    commented 2016-05-31 09:53:42 -0700
    I so understand all this, not that I am or would like to be in another relationship right now. I took a trip to Savannah last December that we had talked about and I was constantly thinking how much she would have loved it and how a week would not have been long enough and how unfair it was that she wasn’t there with me (except in spirit). I also feel that I am not the same as I was, how could I be? She was sick for such a long time and along with that, I had been long term unemployed and we also got smacked by Superstorm Sandy. Everytime I see something new, my mind right away says “she would have loved that” or “she would have passed on this”. Its just so not fair. And its worse lately because the first anniversary of her heart attack and stroke are this week and next week is the first anniversary of the day she went to the Angels.