Bizarre Birthday

I’m sitting at the airport this morning headed to spend the weekend with my best friend from junior high. It’s my 40th birthday weekend and I’m all over the place in my head. Today’s blog is more of a list of competing emotions rather than a discussion or story…Sometimes bullet points get “the point” across better.  See what I did there? ;-)

Ok here goes:

  • Turning 40! Excited and how the Hell did I get this old?
  • Yay! Friends and fun!
  • Yay a break from work!
  • Oh God this is my first birthday without Clayton. Can I hold it together?
  • What’s next? Holidays? Oh God I won’t have him for holidays!
  • Do I want to even decorate? Too sad but he would want me to.
  • Seriously 40? I did not envision my life would be so shaken up at 40. Ugh
  • Ok deep breath! Birthday weekend!! I’m grateful for what I have but I’m also excited for presents :)
  • Birthday cake! Oh damn with 40 candles! Good thing I brought my inhaler! LOL!
  • I can’t have cake. My metabolism stopped at 35 and my height stopped at 5’6”. Too much cake and I’m going to be a hobbit by 41.
  • Clayton would have laughed at that. I miss him. He always dropped me off and picked me up at airports. I loved seeing him there right when I got home. He won’t be in a few days. He won’t be for my next trip or any trip after. It’s kind of hard to be at home and to leave home.
  • Ok back to the fact that I’m turning 40! Deep breath!

Can’t stop any of these events from coming so I might as well start enjoying every minute! Happy Birthday Bryan. You are doing good! One day at a time…


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  • Linda Poehler
    commented 2018-11-13 04:25:47 -0800
    Nov 10 is my birthday too. I had the same thoughts. Ive had all the birthdays with Paul im ever going to have. And never thought at 53 Id be trying to figure out my life. I thought it was where it was supposed to be.
    Beside the obligatory facebook birthday messages my phone never rang and i had no invites to anywhere. Im assuming everyone else thought each other had me covered because i do have good friends. Im guessing no one wanted to be pushy. So i sat alone reflecting. And while it was a feeling of utter lonliness it was also a relief to not have to pretend to feel any other way than just plain sad. 1st birthday done…moving on.
  • Gayle Goldberg
    commented 2018-11-12 09:11:39 -0800
    Hope you were able to find some happiness on your birthday! Wishing you peace as you move forward.