Beauty and Darkness

Today we welcome a new Widow's Voice Author to our Thursday posts! Mari - welcome to the blog, and thank you for sharing your heart with our readers!

 

On March 28, 2015, I met the love of my life. We had a peculiar first date, but I got a gut feeling that I needed to give him a second chance. So I did, and falling in love with him, was magical. Just only after five months of dating, he proposed to me in Sedona, AZ, at a beautiful location filled with music, candles, roses, and love. I had never been so sure of anything in my life, but his love. So we decided to get married three months later, and on November 28, 2015, I gave my all to this wonderful man. My husband was a true gentleman. He never raised his voice at me in all the years we were married. He loved me unconditionally and wanted to spend every minute with me. He was kind-hearted, smart, loving, and had a great sense of humor. I felt like I had won the lottery in love. Just after two years of being married, we decided to bring a little bundle of joy into this world. So in 2017, we welcomed a beautiful baby girl. My husband was such a wonderful father. He would help me change diapers, and he would wake up in the middle of the night to feed our daughter, and so much more. I felt blessed and honored to be his wife. Our life was incredibly beautiful, one that you see in movies, or read in novels. I know it sounds too good to be true, but it truly was. We both loved each other unconditionally and would put each other first. Our souls were in-sync. He was my best friend, my rock and indeed my force of strength. 

On June 9, 2018, I lost my father to pancreatic cancer. It was such a devastating loss for me because I was so close to him. When he took his last breath, I was right by his bedside holding his hand. After I lost my father, I had a new perspective on life. Therefore after much deliberation and thought, my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to leave my very secure job, to be a stay at home mom and try to have a second baby. In August 2018, I left my corporate job, stability, and security to try to bring another bundle of joy into this world.

On a beautiful October morning, my husband kissed me and our daughter goodbye. He told us how much he loved us and that he would see us that evening. To my dismay, I didn’t know that was going to be the last time I would hear those words from him. That mid-morning my husband had an accident in which he burned 80% of his body. He was in the hospital for 13 days, and on October 25, 2018, he took his last breath. He passed away just 5 minutes before I got to the hospital with our baby girl. In a matter of four months, I lost and buried my father, left my stable job, lost and buried my husband, all while having to take care of a 13-month-old daughter and my medical needs. I was now a widow at 31 years of age: all my plans, hopes, and dreams where shattered. I had a life and a love that most people strive for all their lives. So now I pick up the pieces of my shattered world every single day, while I strive to be the best woman, mother, father, sister, friend, daughter, and widow. I continue to honor my husband in everything that I do, and in everything that I am. My daughter still deserves a fair shot in life to have unconditional love, and be loved with a love as beautiful as the one she was created. Some days are harder than others, but I am still alive, and so is she. Knowing that gives me the strength to pick up the pieces of my shattered world and show her how beautiful life can be. 

As I write this blog, I want to share the reality, beauty, struggles, and darkness that death brings. Yes, I mentioned beauty. To me, beauty is being able to watch my daughter grow up right before my eyes. My husband did not get that opportunity. Therefore, I consider myself fortunate to be alive and be able to experience that for the both of us. I hope you all can share your beauty and darkness with me as well.


Showing 9 reactions

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  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-09-01 22:56:25 -0700
    Dear Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know those words will forever be in our minds, hearts and souls. I hope to hear from you more since we are riding on the same wave length. My heart goes out to you!
  • Kathy Murray
    commented 2019-08-29 11:17:50 -0700
    Mari Posa,
    I feel a very special kinship with you. Your husband’s last words to you occurred exactly a day before my husband’s last words to me. He left me that morning and dropped dead at lunch, with no warning, although looking back I can see the signs. I started having flashbacks this week too, so we really are on the same timelines!
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-10 23:28:43 -0700
    Thank you Zen & Cynthia.

    Cynthia, I am so sorry for your losses. I am sending you lots of hugs! Please feel free to reach out! Sounds like we have a lot in common. I hope your mom and your fur baby are doing okay.
  • Cynthia Horacek
    commented 2019-08-10 08:35:42 -0700
    The part of your story where you knew your husband just a few months before getting married could have been mine. I met my husband in October, we got engaged in November and married in February. I’m so sorry for your loss, and the loss of your dad as well. My dad died 14 months after my husband, and my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s just before my dad died. My dog got sick 6 months after my husband died. A lot of loss in a short amount of time. Sending you hugs.
  • Zen Pascual
    commented 2019-08-08 17:13:44 -0700
    I am very sure Alex spirit is dancing with joy in heaven knowing that you still find beauty in life through your daughter in spite of your Loss. You wrote a poignant blog and I love the title..Beauty and Darkness a heartfelt blog
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-08 12:53:12 -0700
    Thank you Don.
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-08-08 12:03:49 -0700
    Welcome Mari, very sorry for your loss.
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-08 08:11:26 -0700
    Thank you GRinNJ. You are right! This is not a club we wanted to be a part of, but I think it’s one of the strongest most resilient clubs out there.
  • Gr inNJ
    commented 2019-08-08 05:10:11 -0700
    Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. Thank you for sharing your story.