Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.

I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian's death by overloading myself with work and study.

And I'm still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who's poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.

But now I find I'm avoiding going back into the workforce.  I kind of want to, will need to at some point, but this week I've been feeling really scared of the prospect.  Even if it's 6-18 months away.

Six years ago, after my mum and step-dad died in quick succession, plus unemployment hit at the same time my step-dad died, I took a chunk of time off, simply doing nothing, giving me time to deal with the fall out.  After about six months, I was ready to go back to work.  I reached the point I needed work, rather than hours of watching TV, reading and crafts, for my sanity.

This week I sat a supplementary exam granted because of John's hospital stay, and thought I'd done really well.  But the results that went up on Friday for the supp seem to say otherwise.   A fail, but an offer of an academic supplementary exam.  Probably technically available since the supplementary I sat was on medical grounds, so still have the academic option.  But is confusing since the supplementary exam period is over.  

Or it could simply be a quirk of the reporting system, and a true grade will come up a bit later.  

I of course emailed the school to get the situation clarified, but no response yet.  Not what you want additionally rattling around in your head over the weekend.  

But here's the thing.

I'm actually not that worried about the extra time (and cost) having to repeat the subject, and juggle pre-requisites this semester, will add to my studies. Nor am I worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to work at the end of this year to carry the load I need to in order to finish at the end of next year.

Heck, I'm tossing around that I could even take the option of pushing for an extra semester or even year to finish.

I guess it's partially because I've not actually taken that chunk of 'nothingness' time after Ian died.  I've really been on the go, except for uni holidays.  And even now I have other commitments I didn't have 6 years ago.  

But I know I'm really not ready to head back to work.  

Into the real 'real world'.  

Right now, I could happily not go back ever again.


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