Approaching a Year

These past few weeks have been incredibly hard for me. I’ve been reliving what happened last year. It’s not that I welcome these thoughts, it’s that my brain keeps bringing them up. I remember the last lunch that we had as a family, just the day before my husband’s accident. I remember my daughter and I went to go have lunch with at his work. It bothered me that day that he didn’t like the color of my lipstick and made a joke out of it. Which seems so ridiculous now. It was a beautiful day though. We sat together in the courtyard and we had Asian cuisine. He held our baby girl and fed her, as we shared our last lunch. We joked and talked about our plans for that weekend. Life seemed so beautiful. 

That evening, when we all got home, he made me our last dinner together. He made me shrimp with a quinoa salad. It was delicious! He read a book to our baby girl and put her down for the very last time. After our daughter was down for the night, we went outside to our backyard and enjoyed a nice glass of wine. That night he told me that he wished I could step into his shoes to know how much he loved me. He had said that in a serious manner, which was normally not my husband. Those words had so much depth and sincerity, and little did I know I would never hear those words again. 

October 11, 2018, was our last full day together as a family. It was my husband’s last full day lived. My husband had his accident on October 12, 2018, and these past couple of weeks leading to the year of his accident have been very difficult. I’ve had sleepless nights, pain and agony beyond words, doubt, and anger. But with all this darkness I also have beautiful light. That light is our daughter. Therefore I wanted to do something fun for her this year on such a horrific day, and also fulfill something we had planned last year as a family. My husband and I were going to take our daughter to a pumpkin patch the weekend he had his accident. 

Aside from all of my emotions and sadness beyond measure, I took my daughter to the pumpkin patch with family and friends, and she had a wonderful time. Just seeing her smile and hearing her laughter, gives me immense joy and reminds me that even in the mix of darkness there is a beautiful light.

Approaching the year of my husband’s death has been incredibly difficult. I feel like it happened just a few months ago. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is our reality. Even though I keep reliving last year’s memories, horrific images, and the undying truth that my husband is truly gone; I am also very thankful that I have been able to survive this for a whole year. In 2018, in a span of just four months I lost my father, my husband, my income, the ability to have more children with my husband, dealt with medical issues, became a single mom and have dealt with everything that comes with these two deaths. I am incredibly thankful and proud to say, that I am still here. My child is a happy child and thriving. I dedicate time to volunteer and give back. I haven’t lost my faith, and most importantly I haven’t stopped living. This is what I am doing to honor my husband, my father, my daughter and myself. This is not easy, but I am doing it! 

 


Showing 6 reactions

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  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-10-23 17:50:40 -0700
    You are so right ’ one year widow myself ’ in between some phone calls or visits’ all I do is keep reliving the weeks prior to and the day of my husband’s death’ and that " the brain keeps bringing them up " … Emotionally’ mentally and physically a very draining and difficult phase of life ’ widowhood’ … … … Laura’
  • Krystle Mack
    commented 2019-10-23 17:46:03 -0700
    beautiful! I lost my husband last year October 31 this really hit home.
  • Natalie Reeves
    commented 2019-10-23 17:44:36 -0700
    Beautifully written.
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-10-17 14:10:35 -0700
    Thank you Kathy and Don for your comments. The pain that we go through as widows and widowers is very unique. Only those who have walked the path can truly relate. Each relationship is different from each other, but we all feel that same emptiness in our hearts. But through it all we are still here. And for that, I praise all of the widows and widowers out there for surviving this unimaginable loss. We are strong beyond measure.
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-10-17 11:17:15 -0700
    I’m over 4 years out. She passed after a long and trying and painful illness with so much happening that if I ever wrote a book about it, I’d have to call it “You can’t make this up”. But for me, it will ALWAYS be 6/10/15 3:55 pm.
  • Kathy Murray
    commented 2019-10-17 08:17:44 -0700
    Hi Mari, my 1 year was on Tuesday. I try to remind myself that instead of remembering the worst day of my life, I need to celebrate and pat myself on the back for making it through a year AFTER the worst day of my life. I hope you are able to do the same.