I can hear the fire works from last years New Years Eve celebrations. They go off with a bang. Thoughts racing of families watching them with smiles and couples sharing kisses that would seal there love for the year ahead. Last NYE I sat alone on my bedroom floor, with photos sprawled in front of me. A pen in hand, writing letters to John that he will never get to read. I heard the fire works go off and said out loud "happy new years kiss, I love you".
This new year I had been looking forward to, but as it draws closer I feel sick to celebrate a new year without him. I never thought much of the term "With a heavy heart" until I knew grief. I know you will all understand when I say, my heart feels heavy at the thought of this new year. A year past without him, the new year brings new beginnings, but it doesn't bring him back.
What I would give not just for a New Years kiss, but one kiss from him.
When we were just 15 we shared the most perfect NYE together, with the most memorable New Years kiss. I can still see his beautiful eyes smiling while he looked into mine. We stood alone in a park by the beach, watching fire works light up the sky. We were the happy couple with smiles from ear to ear. As the clock ticked midnight, we kissed. The kiss that lasts a lifetime, not just a year. And I am grateful we had a love like that.
Not to dwell in longing and sadness, I want the year ahead to be full of new wondrous moments. A year of life and living. 2017 will be a year full of hope and happiness, because I refuse to stay stuck in my grief. The fog of my grief will be left in 2016. My new year resolution, simply being, to be happy.
To laugh every day, to dig deep to find my smile until its permanently planted on my face. To fill my life with positives and the people who matter most. There will be no more chasing distractions from reality. No more thinking about the why's and what if's.
"One thing with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us".
With a heavy heart, I wish you all a safe new year xox