This was my second birthday since Tin passed. Last year I was the big 4-0 and I wasn’t ever expecting to be a widow at that age. One year later and another candle on the cake doesn’t add nearly enough light to illuminate this shadowy part of the year.
“Be gentle to yourself.” Is a phrase I hear often enough and I try to repeat it on the days I just don’t want to get up and get moving. I got myself a massage to help but the quiet lowers my guard, which just brings down the busy and his absence fills the room.
I wanted a quiet night to make myself dinner and just watch some tv but a group of people convinced me to go out for just awhile. Reluctantly I got dressed and headed out. I was grateful for the invite and I was grateful for the birthday cake waiting for me upon arrival. As we headed out to the bar, I thought about how this was my first time going since Tin and I never had the chance. It felt more empty since we had repeatedly said we’d go at some point. I took a deep breath and told myself that this was good for me to get out and start to build myself and my life back up. I have gone from being “Mr. Social” to “Mr. I’ll Go Next Time”.
As the night went on, we shared drinks and laughs. I was feeling a bit more myself I guess. Headed to the bar for another round and a friend said:
“So how are you doing? Are you doing ok?”
I knew he meant well. I just wish he knew to not ask right than on my birthday surrounded by couples as an odd man out but the non-widowed don’t see the world in the way that we do - our world through widowed glasses.
I had finally let go of my anxiousness to be there in that place in that time without Tin but the Universe wouldn’t let me be for just one moment. I tried to keep up the act but the scene had changed. I blamed the time. I blamed the bartender. I blamed my old age of 41 and made my exit. By the time I was home I was in full tears and seeing the start to another year without him…