Am I Turning My Husband .....

janine.jpgAm I turning my husband.....

.... into a saint?

After really sitting down to think about it and to honestly delve into the recesses of my mind (which was an exhausting trip, by the way) .... I think I can honestly say ...... no.

I know, as do we all, that we tend to remember more of the good times after someone dies.  I also know, that many people seem to develop a severe case of "selective amnesia" when it comes to the dearly departed.
But as far as thinking Jim was a saint?
Ummmmmm ..... nope.
No how.
No way.

He was a very good man.
But he was human.
He was a good father.
But he was human.
He was a wonderful husband.
But he was human.

I can say, without a doubt in my mind, that we had a great marriage.  And I never took it for granted.
I have "journaled" my prayers to God on and off over the years.  I have a collection of books that I've kept.  You could open any one of those books and turn to any page and there's a 99% chance that it starts with a "thank you" for placing Jim in my life.
I knew how blessed I was.

Did we have a perfect marriage?
There's no such thing.
We went through some rough times.
Believe me, with 6 kids there are bound to be rough times.
But the older we got, the better our marriage became.

We grew up together.  Heck, he was 23 and I was 22 when we married.  We met when we were 20.
After 27 years of being together .... we had a great thing going on.  The kids were starting to head out and we looked forward to spending more and more time with each other in the future.  And to traveling.
And marriages.  And grandkids.
And then ..... well, you know.

The relationship that I'm in now is not like that.
We do not know each other, inside and out.
We did not grow up together.
We both have kids, houses, bills, jobs, etc.
We both have dead spouses (now that's a WHOLE 'nother post!).
Life is not fun and carefree the way it was when Jim and I met in college.
We had loads of time to focus on each other.
I don't have that now.

The feelings are not the same.
And, having been in love with only one man before this .... I have nothing else to compare it to.
So most of the time ..... I have no idea about what the hell I'm doing.
I don't know how "love" the second time around is "supposed" to feel.
And then there's the age old question:  "How do you know that it's love?"
Hell if I know.
I used to know, but I don't now.
I'm guessing that the answer is still the same ..... you know when you know.

All I know is that this time around .... it's hard.
Very, very hard work.
Sometimes it would be so much easier to just say "Forget it.  I do NOT need this in my life."
But then there are the times when it's really great to be with someone who loves you.
And it's nice to just be able to hold a man's hand again.

Someone asked me the other day how I could be in another relationship when I still love Jim so very much.
I boiled it down to this:  I think that you have to make a decision.  Do I want to keep my heart closed, and keep only Jim's love locked inside of it?  Or do I want to take a chance .... and open it up JUST a crack ..... and maybe let some new love slip in?
I vote for the crack.
Maybe one day I'll be able to open it up fully.  I don't know.
I have no desire to get married again.
Not today.  Not ever.
That may change ..... it may not.
But right now ..... this day ..... I'm ok with it.

I will continue to live for this one day.
I will try to enjoy what each day brings and get through any waves that one may bring.
I will try to keep my heart open as much as I can .... to experience not only love, but life.

Am I trying to find another Jim?
There's no such thing.

Was he a saint?
Not by a long shot.

But he was mine.

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