A Scary Reality

Today I went to go see my doctor about an issue I am dealing with. While at the doctor’s office, they noticed my heart rate was 125 in resting mode. They checked me 20 minutes later, and it was still beating the same. My doctor told me that she will have to monitor my heart and determine what course of action she will take. This can include getting on heart medication at the age of 32. She said if this route is taken they would need to be very careful how they would slow my heart down since I suffer from low blood pressure. 

As I walked out of the office and into my car, a scary reality set in. I wanted to call my husband and my father, to tell them the news and share how scared I was. But I couldn’t call them. They are not physically here anymore. They would normally offer a sense of protection and words of comfort in which I needed at that moment. So, I set in my car and cried. As I sat there, I saw my little girl through the rear mirror, just playing in her car seat not knowing how scared her mama was. 

I am not scared of dying, I am scared of leaving my daughter alone in this world without a parent. I try so hard every day to do the best that I can with what I have, and with what I was left. As a widow, it’s a fight and a struggle every day to live well. I’ll continue to get up each day as long as I have air in my lungs and a beating heart. 

I hear people say all the time, “you have your whole life ahead of you”, or “you are too young to be dealing with something like that.” As humans, we strive to live a long life. But the reality of it is, is that death doesn’t discriminate against age, gender, or race. The scary reality is, that we have a misconception of the time we are “supposed to die”. Therefore, it is important to treasure each moment as much as you can, take a minute and breathe, and be grateful that you are still alive today. 

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  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-11-05 19:30:50 -0800
    Thank you Daniel.
  • Daniel Roberts
    commented 2019-11-05 18:20:05 -0800
    Hello. Sorry that you have to deal with this. I will try to add you to my prayer list. Understand that our human condition is ill affected and we don’t get to decide when we get to go.
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-10-13 23:25:14 -0700
    Thank you Youn Lee!
  • Youn Lee
    commented 2019-10-05 17:55:48 -0700
    I get your fear of leaving your daughter alone without a parent. I used to worry that I might not be around until my younger son finishes high school and that weight was huge with me feeling various pain throughout my body. Our focus may be more on our children’s loss, but we are going through a profound loss too. I hope you find ways to look after yourself too. Hugs
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-10-04 21:23:52 -0700
    Vartan-thank you for your comment. Yes, it is important for widows and widowers to have Plan B and C in place. As we all have experienced, death is for certain and no one escapes it. I have had to prepare for my own death while still grieving my husband’s and my father’s death. But it is part of life.

    Samantha- I share the same fears too. And you are right, no one will get it unless they go through it themselves.
  • Samantha Coleman
    commented 2019-10-02 18:55:25 -0700
    I left town for the weekend with my best friend to help my parents but also to get away, it’s been 3 months… We’ve gone away before and it’s never been an issue, I was never anxious about it, this time I was so stressed and it dawned on me… my husband was there if something happened, the kids were taken care of. If my husband and I went away, my best friend (sister) was there, if something happened, the kids would be ok. This was the first time we left together and he is gone, the kids would have no one, I stayed anxious until we made it home, fearing the worst…. She understood, she felt the same way… but no one else gets it
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-10-02 17:40:25 -0700
    Dearest Mari’ I had read an article which explained that’ prolonged stress’ anxiety’ worry and grief affect all the cells of the body’ and weaken the immune system’ A recent widow myself’ I can relate to your body being overwhelmed from the burden of grief’ from the huge loss of your husband ’ your life partner’ and now dealing with more stress and worry after an unexpected health problem’
    May be this is a hint’ for all of us’ to have plan B-s and plan C-s in case Plan A unexpectedly is changed ’
    Widowhood is indeed one terrible passage of life’s various phases’
    Wishing and hoping the best for you and your daughter ’

  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-09-29 23:47:38 -0700
    Kathy-thank you for your post! I would love to be your pen pal. I hope that you are doing better.

    GRinJ- thank you for your comment. You are 100%! Grief changes our bodies in so many unexpected ways. And yes, I will be going to a different doctor for a second opinion. I hope you are doing well.
  • Gr inNJ
    commented 2019-09-27 06:52:05 -0700
    I’m sorry you have to deal with this in addition to everything else. I think grief changes our bodies in addition to our emotions and everything else. Please take care of yourself, get second opinions, and find as much support as you can.
  • Kathy Murray
    commented 2019-09-26 14:45:53 -0700
    I really think we should be pen pals. Again, you are telling my story! I too had something very similar, surprising and scary happen to me too!