I'm going to let you in on a little secret... one that I'm not even sure I've fully admitted to myself.
I'm scared. My best friend is due to have her first baby in less than five weeks and I'm starting to feel absolutely petrified about it.
Amidst all the excitement and happiness over the past few months that has surrounded her pregnancy, these quiet little (selfish!) thoughts have started to creep in about how this little person is going to come in to our world and everything is going to change. I’m not ready for my friendship to change. I’m not ready to witness her move forward in to this exciting new role as ‘mother’ – one that I can’t share or relate to - and essentially, leave me behind.
When we were married (only two months apart) I was the one who couldn't wait to be a mother and my best friend wasn't interested in a family. Fast forward six month or so, Dan had passed away and my friend and her husband naturally started thinking about the future and her desire for a child started to emerge.
Throughout her pregnancy I've been trying my hardest to embrace this new life. I was honoured when she asked me to be there for the baby’s birth (along with her husband), hosted a huge baby shower and oohed and ahead over 3D ultrasound photos... the whole while, doing my best to ignore the painful nausea growing in my stomach. It has been hard. I've had some really difficult days but I've tried to separate my own pain from what she's going through, so I don't take away from her special time.
Now, that we're only weeks away, and this kid is most definitely on its way, the fear is starting to build to levels that are becoming harder to ignore. There’s no denying it, seeing my friend become a mother is going to be both incredibly beautiful, and at the same time, excruciatingly difficult.
I can already taste the envy, this is something that I have wanted to badly. To feel that maternal love, gazing upon the face of the child I created with the man I love. Then to look in to his eyes to see the pride and adoration. My heart shatters knowing this is out of my reach.
How do I watch my best friend get this incredible moment that I've been dreaming about, and not feel affected? Because while I’m excited to be part of this moment, in the capacity of ‘Auntie’, and see this life come in to the world, I’m also petrified that when the time comes for me to walk out of that room, close the door and leave them to their ‘family time’, my world will fall apart again.
I’m trying not to give the worry any air, because that will achieve nothing but to fuel my anxiety, but it’s sitting there, quietly, waiting.
I'm hoping and praying that my love for my friend will be stronger than my own pain.