Soon it will be my fourth New Year's Eve without Mike. Huh. Wow... I don't even know what any of this means. Everything and nothing all at once I suppose. No matter the year, I miss him and this will not change.
My grief is evolving with time, but the missing is always there. It is more tolerable now, but in my fourth year of widowhood the sense of his absence is still ever present. I do not think this will ever change.
Mike is missing from me and it is hard to live with the aching inside me - time does not make it better. Easier? Maybe. With time, the emptiness inside me is less shocking. I am more used to the hollow feeling I have within me. In truth, I hardly remember living without the dull ache of my grief.
A new year is before us whether I like it or not. 2020 is a year Mike will never be here to live. But, I will usher it in. I didn't die. Shouldn't I welcome the new year and all the possibility it holds? Shouldn't I rejoice in my life? After all, I do still have a good life. I am grateful for all I have; but, nonetheless, I hate NYE because it feels like it puts more distance between Mike and I. He feels noticably further away these days. I don't sense him like I used to. With time, his physical attributes are fading. His voice isn't clear anymore. The feel of him is blurring. Time is making him more of a memory and less of my man.
It is very difficult to welcome in a year he will not be a part of. But, for the rest of my life this is what I will do.
2020 is upon us. I certainly hope this new year will bring focus and clarity like the digits imply. I don't know what I wish for this coming year. Perhaps peace and a sense of contentment. Maybe it's acceptance. Acceptance that this is my life. My life is mine and mine alone.
Mike no longer exists in this physical realm. He can not physically offer me anything in the coming year. So, I do what I must. I go forth without him. I have no choice in this, neither do you. I admit, I feel largely numb without him. I feel lost and unsettled. Nonetheless I will welcome in the new year and live forward because I can.
Peace be with you in 2020. May you find clarity in all this.