6 Years of Tired~

This isn't going to be an upbeat blog.

No apologies for that, but fair warning.

I don't have it in me today.

Yesterday was 6 years since Chuck died.

I wonder why I can't seem to get wherever it is I'm supposed to get. In this widowed life, I mean.

It's felt, since I was first widowed, like I've had to continually strive to be somewhere in the future.

Happy. Joyful. Loving life. Involved. 

Maybe fucking ecstatic, I don't know.

And the pressure didn't always come from others. I've put it on myself, too.

I've gone my own pace. Insisted on my own pace. Forgiven myself for not being further along. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

There are no easy answers to this life without.

Some guru somewhere would probably tell me that I have to stop thinking of it as "life without", as a start.

How one does that, I've no idea. 

Them's the facts: my life is a life without, and no matter how much I might try to think of it otherwise, that's what it is. 

Chuck's dead. I'm without him. And it's incredibly lonely, no matter how much I fill it with other people.

I'm lonely for him.

And I'm soooo fucking tired.

On this day after the anniversary of the day Chuck died 6 years ago, I'm out there living a life and creating beauty and doing my damndest to make meaning of all that this life without is.

But seriously, it just isn't as good as life was with him.

And I don't know that this will ever change.

Unless there's a magic recipe somewhere, yet unfound by others like me.

No big news here this evening, folks. No words of inspiration.

Just standing in solidarity with any of you who might be feeling the same sense of withoutness...

 


Showing 6 reactions

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  • Ron Marro
    commented 2019-05-08 15:01:32 -0700
    Thank you for the reality check. There is no way of getting back what we are now without. I am only 15 months out and getting out of bed is sometimes the only thing I can handle.
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-05-07 17:20:55 -0700
    This. So exactly how I feel. Also sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s been a little over 6 1/2 years for me. Thanks for the solidarity.
  • Noreen McCullagh
    commented 2019-04-30 19:57:33 -0700
    Thank you for your fierce truth – I too am tired from the loss of my former life with my husband and trying with so much energy every day to try to “make it ok” enough to get through without him beside me. I was a better version of myself with him here ❤️
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-04-29 14:34:47 -0700
    Yes, to all you wrote.

    At 2.4 years, I see that this heaviness and missingness isn’t going anywhere. Life without them will not be as good as it was with them -ever. That is just the truth.
    So, now what? I ask myself this all day long… ~S.
  • indie
    commented 2019-04-25 18:09:30 -0700
    " life without"……..how does one do that?

    After six years and 3 months one doesn’t. One does what you always seem to hit the nail with every week. You realize you have woken up to another day and you bear down and push the mountain around.

    And I admitted to myself early on that it will never change for me because the love I had for my husband happens only once in a lifetime. That was just the kind of love it was. Now I am anxious for my own death. And I’m really good with that. I just don’t need any more of this. I too am sick and tired.
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-04-25 11:11:43 -0700
    Its exhausting. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired